242 – Ask Better Questions

Elizabeth: [00:00:00] Have you ever had one of those mornings where you’re just standing in your kitchen debating whether or not to go to the gym knowing full well that you don’t want to, and also knowing that you’ll probably feel worse if you don’t? Yeah. That happened in my house recently, and it made me realize something.

Most of us are walking around asking ourselves the wrong questions when it comes to our health. We ask things like, do I feel like it? Should I do this now or later? As if motivation is just going to magically show up and make the decision for us, guess what? It won’t. In today’s episode, we are talking about the tiny, invisible moment that derails your best intentions and how to replace that dead end thinking with something that’s way more powerful.

I am sharing the exact questions I use with myself and with my clients to stay consistent even when [00:01:00] I don’t feel like it. If you’ve ever thought. Why can’t I just get my shizz together? This episode is going to change how you talk to yourself, and it might just be the key to finally doing what you say you want to do, so don’t miss it.

Welcome to the Total Health and Midlife Podcast, the podcast for women over 40 who want peace with food, ease in their habits, and a body that they don’t have to fight with.

Hey everyone. Welcome to the Total Health and Midlife Podcast. I am your host, Elizabeth Sherman, and I am so glad that you are here for our discussion today. So I have to tell you this story. The other morning I came downstairs after my workout and I was sweaty and slightly annoyed that my puppy cocoa had stolen one of my socks again.

And I saw my husband Gary, just standing there. Not really doing anything, just sort of staring out into the distance. Like he [00:02:00] forgot what planet he was on, and so I was like, Hey, what’s up? And he looked at me and he said, I’m trying to decide whether I should go to the gym. Now for context, he has recently gotten back into playing pickleball after a really long break, and he’s in good shape.

He rides this mountain bike a few times a week. He lifts weights, But pickleball, it uses muscles differently, and he apparently hadn’t used them since the last time, and so he’s been really super sore. His knees have been barking at him, and on that particular morning, he was just tired and sore, so I asked him, okay.

But what is the decision really between, because here’s the thing, we already know that he doesn’t wanna go. That’s not the question. The real question is what’s he afraid will happen if he does go to the gym and what’s he hoping will happen if he doesn’t that moment? [00:03:00] It’s the setup for everything that we’re talking about today.

And so we do this all the time, don’t we? We find ourselves at a fork in the road, whether it’s about going to the gym, making dinner, shutting off the tv, going to bed, and the first question we ask is, do I want to, and let me just say this plainly. That is a terrible question because nine times out of 10 the answer is no or yes, whichever one is more pleasurable.

No, I don’t wanna go to the gym. No, I don’t wanna make a meal. No, I don’t wanna sit down and plan my week. No, I don’t wanna go to bed at nine 30 when there’s a new season of Last of us taunting me. Our brains are always going to vote for comfort. Always we evolved to conserve energy and not burn it to seek out easy, predictable pleasures.

Not challenge, [00:04:00] not discomfort, and certainly not vegetables. But here’s the real thing. We ask ourselves these yes no questions as if we’re being logical, as if we’re weighing the pros and the cons. We think we’re being thoughtful when really we are just giving ourselves an easy way out. And then when we predictably choose the thing that’s easier in the moment.

We feel like we’ve failed. We beat ourselves up. We think that something’s wrong with us because we don’t have willpower or we can’t stay motivated, and that’s just not true. We are not failing because we lack discipline. We’re failing because we’re setting ourselves up with the wrong question. Do I want to do I feel like it ? Will I feel more like it later? All of those questions [00:05:00] assume that motivation is going to sweep in and save the day. Like it’s a friend who’s just running late and any minute now will knock on the door holding your gym bag and a fresh salad. But guess what? She’s not coming.

Motivation is flaky. She is a fickle beast. She will ghost you at the time that you need her most. She shows up on random days when you already feel good, and you cannot build a reliable habit on something that is unreliable. So what do we do instead? We have to start asking better questions. Questions that move us forward instead of keeping us stuck in the same old loop of guilt and procrastination.

So right now, in all honesty, I am in a little bit of an exercise slump myself. I have been doing the short 20 [00:06:00] minute workouts for years. Nothing fancy, just a jump rope. I have some free weights, a yoga mat, and this very janky bench that I rigged out of two milk crates and a board. Legit a board from the hardware store.

It’s not glamorous, but it works for me and it’s been enough to keep me consistent through moves, travel, and all kinds of life stuff. But lately I have been feeling unmotivated. I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to do it. And the annoying part is I know it’ll feel good once I start. I know I’ll be glad I did it afterwards, but that doesn’t mean I’m magically excited to do it.

And so the other day I actually bailed at the 16 minute mark. I was done. My brain was like, this is stupid. And. I listened to it, and you know what, that was 100% okay. Because [00:07:00] I’ve learned not to rely on motivation to get me there. Motivation is great when it’s around, but most days it’s not. So instead I rely on a little deal that I made with myself years ago.

Here’s how it goes. I have to get dressed, I have to go to the workout space, and I have to start moving. That’s it. And if after 10 minutes I still hate it, I give myself permission to stop. Most days I don’t stop, but some days I do like this past week, and those 10 or 16 minutes are still better than nothing.

What’s made the biggest difference is that I’ve stopped asking myself, do I want to do this? Because we already know the answer. No, I don’t. I. Instead, I ask myself, what’s going to feel better in 20 [00:08:00] minutes from now? Am I going to regret blowing it off? Do I have a good reason for not doing it? What kind of person am I becoming by doing this or not doing this?

That’s the difference, and I don’t ask any of those questions with judgment. It is not motivation, it’s self-leadership. Here’s the thing, when we stop relying on motivation and start leading ourselves with intention, everything else changes. This is what I call self-leadership. It’s that moment where you pause right before the default behavior kicks in and you talk to yourself like you are someone you actually trust.

Not like a drill sergeant and not like a pushover either. Self-leadership is showing [00:09:00] up for yourself the way that you would for a friend that you really love and care about. It’s making decisions that respect your body and your time, not just in the moment, but long term. It’s asking better questions. So instead of, do I wanna get up at 6:00 AM and go for a walk, try, will I feel better all day if I move my body this morning instead of should I grab a granola bar and call it lunch?

Try, will this make my afternoon easier or am I setting myself up for a crash at three o’clock? Instead of, I don’t wanna do it. Try. Am I going to regret blowing this off? Or even do I have a good reason for skipping it today? Or am I just letting myself off the hook? Those are honest questions. They invite curiosity, [00:10:00] not judgment.

They treat you like a grownup, not a rebellious teenager who has to be tricked or punished into behaving. And the real game changer here is asking what decision honors the person who I am becoming, who I strive to become. Because when you see yourself as someone who does make a plan and follow through, or someone who does take care of their health, even when it’s inconvenient, then that’s who you become.

So look, I’m not talking about white knuckling your way through every day. This isn’t about pushing through pain or ignoring when your body needs rest. It’s about knowing the difference between true self-care and avoiding discomfort. It’s about talking to yourself like someone that you respect, not just someone you’re trying to wrangle into [00:11:00] submission.

So what would it look like to have your own back today? Not just when it’s easy, not just when you’re feeling motivated and fresh and well rested. But on a random Tuesday when the couch is calling and your knees are a little cranky and dinner isn’t made, and you’re considering whether a handful of crackers counts as a meal, and for the record, sometimes it does.

Better questions. Don’t guarantee perfect outcomes, but they do give you access to better choices and better choices compound, and they build trust. They turn into habits that make your life easier, not harder. This idea doesn’t just apply to working out the do I want to trap shows up in every single area of our health, like making dinner.

You open the fridge, you see a pack of chicken, some sad looking greens, [00:12:00] maybe half a bell pepper that’s seen better days, and your brain says, Ugh, I don’t wanna cook. And so you ask, do I want to make dinner? Of course you don’t. Nobody wants to be a short order cook after a long day. But what if instead you asked, will I feel better if I make something now?

Will this make tomorrow easier? Or even is takeout going to leave me feeling satisfied or just salty and bloated? The same thing with getting up in the morning. The alarm goes off, it’s still dark, the bed is warm. Do I wanna get up? No. Will I regret it if I hit snooze again? What kind of day do I want to have?

What would support me best right now? And when it comes to food, especially emotional eating, this is huge. Do I want the cookies? Well, yes, of course I do. But is that the full [00:13:00] question? What if you asked, what do I actually want right now? Is it connection relief, a break now cookies might be part of that,

or they might not. I don’t want to is a dead end. It doesn’t give you more insight, it just lets you off the hook. But better questions. They create space. They give you clarity. They help you to choose what you actually want, not just what’s easier in the moment. Here’s the truth. There’s nothing wrong with you.

If you’ve ever wondered why it’s so hard to stick with your health habits, why you keep skipping workouts, ordering takeouts, staying up too late. It’s not because you’re broken or lazy or lack discipline, it’s because no one has ever taught you how to question your thoughts. For most of us, we believe, whatever our brain tells [00:14:00] us, I don’t want to, I’ll do it later.

One more episode won’t hurt. We take those thoughts as face value, like they’re facts. Like I remember the first time I learned that my brain lies to me. I was completely shocked. Like, wait a minute, that’s allowed. But yeah, it is. Your emotional brain is built to run something called the motivational triad.

It’s designed to seek pleasure, to avoid pain and to conserve energy, which means that your brain will always try to talk you out of anything that feels uncomfortable, inconvenient, or effortful like exercise. But let’s be real while you’re doing it, it kind of sucks. It’s hard. I personally don’t enjoy sweating at all, but I love how I feel after the mood [00:15:00] boost, the lower anxiety, the strength, the sleep, that’s the payoff.

That’s what I’m actually after, and the only reason I can access that regularly is because I’ve trained myself to get curious instead of reactive curiosity. Sounds like. Why don’t I want to? What else is going on here? What do I really need right now? Now, this is all a skill. It’s not something that you either have or don’t.

It’s something that you learn and it’s something that you practice, and the more you practice, the more you build trust with yourself. So if you’re listening to this and thinking, okay, I get it, but where do I start? I have got you. I put together a free resource called The Eight Basic Habits That Healthy People Do.

It’s a simple guide and checklist that outlines the exact foundational habits that I teach [00:16:00] my clients. These aren’t complicated or extreme. You don’t need special equipment or a color coded spreadsheet. They are the habits that help you to build consistency, create momentum, and more importantly, develop trust in yourself.

Because when you trust yourself to follow through, you don’t need to rely on motivation. You don’t have to keep asking. What diet should I try next? You already know what works. You just need a system that helps you do it. So this is your next step. Download the guide. Go to elizabeth sherman.com/habits and look at the checklist.

Pick one thing to focus on for the week. One thing that your future self will thank you for. And no, I don’t mean that in a cheesy Instagram quote kind of way. I mean real gratitude, like, damn, I am so glad I went for that walk [00:17:00] instead of scrolling on my phone.

That kind of gratitude. You can get the guide at elizabethsherman.com/habits or by clicking on the link in the show notes. That’s all I have for you today. Have an amazing day, and I will talk to you next time. Bye-bye.

Thank you for joining us on today’s episode. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by all the health advice out there and looking for something that’s straightforward, my eight basic habits that healthy people do, guide and checklist is just what you need. It breaks down essential habits into simple, actionable steps that you already know how to do.

By following these habits, you’ll set yourself on a path to better health, surpassing most people that you know. To get your free copy, just click the link in the show notes or go to elizabeth sherman.com/habits. It’s an easy start, but it could make all the difference in your health journey. Grab your guide today and take the first step towards a healthier you.