Done with Dieting Episode #41: Self-love with Renee Suzanne

You are listening to the Done with Dieting Podcast Episode number 41.

Hi, I’m Elizabeth Sherman, former corporate high tech executive turn life and weight loss coach. But it wasn’t that long ago that I was searching for that perfect diet, the one that would finally be the golden ticket to lose the weight that I so desired.

Fast forward past tons of failed diet attempts, exercise fads and painful lessons learned, and although I still have not reached the state of Nirvana, body love, my relationship with food exercise in my body is infinitely better than it was not only when I started this journey, but even as recently as three years ago.

The journey that has allowed me to ditch my scale, stop logging my food and exercise, eat food that I didn’t prepare and easily maintain my weight – something that I never thought was possible for me.

I created the Done with Dieting podcast to give you simple, easy to do and sustainable strategies to help you do the same without all of the drama that I went through.

If you’re a woman who’s looking to create a better relationship with food and her body, get off the diet roller coaster and free up a bunch of headspace spent on calories, how you should look what you should eat and beating yourself up for not doing what you think you should be doing. You are in the right place.

Let’s get started.

Hey there, I cannot wait to introduce you to my guest today. Renee Suzanne is a dating and relationship coach. But I’m going to encourage you to listen even if you aren’t in the dating market right now. See, when I first invited Renee on the show, I didn’t really make the connection of how so many similarities there are between dating and losing weight.

And the more we talked, the more I was able to connect the dots that when we are able to create a better relationship with ourselves, the more that pours over into the other areas of our life. It is just so spot on. I can’t wait to let you listen. So, here you go.

All right, everyone welcome Renee Suzanne to the show. Renee, thank you so much for being on the show. I’m so excited to have you here.

Renee: Thank you so much for having me. It’s just such a pleasure to be here.

Elizabeth: So, Renee, you have an amazing-amazing story. And I know that at one point we were talking about our 20 year old selves and the advice that we would give to our 20 year old self. And what you came back with, like blew me away. So, let’s start there.

Renee: Oh wow, thanks. I’m trying to remember what I said. Well, I had a really tough time growing up and I ended up getting married, having four kids. And I was just not in a good place, we were so broke. It didn’t work out and we were able to effectively co-parent, but I needed to make a future for myself and provide for our family. And then, he passed away later when I was 28 and I was really on my own with these kids and trying to make it through college.

And I just decided that I was going to make things happen for myself and my kids. I wasn’t going to give up on my dreams just because things looked really ridiculously hard. I was going to make the kind of life I wanted for myself and for them, and I did.

Elizabeth: And so, where you are today is what? Who do you help? What do you do? And tell us more about that part of your life.

Renee: Yeah, thanks. So, today I’ve come a long way since then. All those kids are grown up and married and I had a really hard time as a single mom with dating. I was never really great at it in the first place, I got married so young to escape a bad home life. So, I wasn’t really any great dater by any stretch. But trying to date when you’re a young single mom with four kids who works constantly and has a ton of responsibilities is no joke. And I really wanted this for myself to just have that connection and that relationship in my life.

And it seemed to elude me, and I would like to spend literally back in the day when we had bookstores. I would spend Saturday nights in borders bookstore gorging on self-help books just to get away from the kids and get out of the house and figure out how to do this for myself. And it was really hard, but I learned everything I could about dating. And I eventually like, if there was a PhD in dating, I would have one.

And so, that is what I do now is I help women who really want to find true love, create the kind of relationship that they want to have by presenting themselves effectively out in the dating world, learning some basic dating skills, and changing their mindsets so that they can excel in that area and have the relationship they want. And so, that is what I do is I help women date and find love. But what I really do is help women go for their dreams. That’s my really big overarching messages. You can achieve your dreams in this life. And the only reason you have them is so that you can achieve them.

Elizabeth: So, let’s talk about that because I think that there are actually a lot of parallels between losing weights and dating in terms of like for example, when we approach dating or losing weight with the energy of, why isn’t here yet? I think that it puts a lot of pressure on us. It puts a lot of pressure on like the person that we’re dating, they pick up on that energy, right?

So, how do you get people out of that?

Renee: Well, I always think about, you are where you are. You are single, you stepped on the scale this morning and you weighed a certain number of pounds or kilograms. You are wearing a size whatever clothes, that’s where you are right now. That doesn’t have to have anything to do with what you can create in the future or what you want your life to be. That’s just where you are now.

So, it’s more about like knowing where you want to go and owning that as a possibility.

Elizabeth: And so, I think that a lot of us, I’ll include myself in this conversation. We think that life is going to be better when I’ve lost the weight, life is going to be better when I get the partner. Right?

And so, it creates this urgency around getting to the goal as opposed to enjoying the ride.

Renee: Yeah.

Elizabeth: And so, what is the advice that you give like, your clients are going on dates and they’re thinking, “is this the one, is this the one, versus, hey, let’s sit back a little bit and let them flatter me, or what do I want?” Right?

Renee: Yeah. Yeah. So, it’s all about, we have a certain number of days here on the planet. We don’t know how many we get, they all count. Even the ones where you’re like, when you get to this goal and you will, unless you quit, you will, there’s going to be a day that you’re going to get there.

And then, you’re probably going to want something else because that’s just the nature of life, you know? So, I was single and dating and struggling in that area for a long, long time. And like you said, like when I was able to relax a bit more and enjoy the journey, I did eventually meet my husband and have a wonderful time with him and now I’ve been happily married for four years. And now, just going for other dreams, I have other dreams now. I’m in your program and I’m working on my business every day. And there were lots and lots of things that I still want to do.

So, even when you are going for a goal, that seems a long way off, and you wonder how on earth you’re going to get there all of the days between now and the day that you achieved that goal, they still count. You’re still going to wake up in the morning and you’re going to do the things you do like, go to work, or walk your dog or read books and enjoy time with your friends and yes, you’ll be working towards this goal.

But your life is still proceeding as well and if you can enjoy that. And still reach for your goal from a place of going, “you know what, I’m working on this.” There are certain things that I can do today to increase the chances of this happening, and I’m going to do them, and I’m going to enjoy my life too. And if maybe I don’t do all the things, maybe I don’t do them all perfectly, but I’m going to do what I can and I’m going to take the long view.

Elizabeth: Hmm. I love that. And I’d love that because I am currently going through something right now and we are currently building a house just like two blocks away and it’s not coming fast enough. Like, every single day, my husband and I look at each other and we’re like, ” when are we going to be able to move?”

So, like the house is half done. And I keep having these fantasies about, how life is going to be so much better when we’re able to move into our house, and we’re able to decorate it, and do all of these things? And what I love about what you just said was, I’m still living today, and I can still choose to be happy in my current situation right now, even though I’m still excited about the future and what that holds.

Renee: Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Elizabeth: Yeah. And so, I love that.

Renee: Well, like you have this dream of your house being done. So, if you’re anything like I was, when my husband and I were building our house that we live in now, you’re like, “oh my God,” like driving by it, or walking by it, and thinking like, “what did they do today? Did they really work on this house today? Are they like off working on some other house or drinking beer somewhere? Because I like don’t even think there’s probably not even one more nail in the place than when I drove pass it last Tuesday. And I don’t even know what’s happening and who can I call?

Elizabeth: Are you on my brain? Sorry, go ahead.

Renee: No, I am. I am because we built a house. We just moved in here three years ago, last month and that is what I did. I would drop my husband off at work and I would drive by them, where are they? What is happening?

So, when you look at it from at least theoretically that you’re going to move into that house. I can tell you because I’ve been in my house, new construction house for three years now, all those days that I drove by and I was like, “what on earth is happening? When is this place going to be done?” And I would be texting the builder saying, “are we on track? I’ve got the financing lined up for this, our house is sold, and our buyer, like all the things.

And when you’re doing that, it’s fine, we all do that, it’s very human. But there will come a day when you’re going to be like me, “oh, I’ve lived here for three years.” Now, I just live here, and it is all decorated mostly and there are still other things that I’m working on now that I have to remind myself not to be just as impatient about, as I was about the house, as I was about the husband, as I was about trying to get through college and raise those kids because it’s always something.

And I think that if you remember that, then you can release your grip just enough. You’re not going to be the Dalai Lama tomorrow probably, but you can release your grip just enough not to be completely out of the box about it and just say, “oh yeah, I’m doing the thing again.” Doing the thing again and it’s okay because I am working towards the goal, the fitness goal, the weight loss goal, the building, the house goal.

And you can say, “oh yeah, why did I choose to build this house?” Because it’s going to be so awesome when I move in. So, instead of being like, “oh my God, did they even do anything on this house today?” How much weight did I lose today? Is the pair of pants still tight today? Let’s say, okay, I drink my water today, I did everything I could today, and tomorrow is another day and I’m going to keep doing everything that’s in my control.

And isn’t it going to be great when we move into the house? Isn’t it going to be great when I can run a mile without stopping? Isn’t it going to be great when I can do a real pushup, and when the clothes do fit because the day is coming?

Elizabeth: Yeah. Well, and it’s so interesting that, what I hear you talking about is actually belief. Now, when we’re looking at the house, I know with 99% certainty that I am going to live in that house sometime in the near future.

When it comes to weight loss, and when it comes to dating, and self-love, I think that a lot of us struggle with belief. There’s that question of, am I going to find the right person, or am I really able to lose the weight. I haven’t done it in the past, or maybe if I was married before and that didn’t work out, did I lose my shot with that? And so, is there another person out there? So, do you work with belief as far as your clients go?

Renee: Absolutely, because without belief you don’t really have anything else. And I know because I lived this, when we don’t really believe, like I had a lot of beliefs that were not serving me in the area of dating and relationships, which is why it took me quite some time to get where I wanted to go. But I did get there, and I can help anyone and get there. And the reason is because I help them look at the beliefs that are in the way of achieving the goal and question them.

So, are those things really true? And the easiest thing to do is to find evidence. So, for instance, did I lose my one shot with the person that I was married to before or the one who got away? I hear a lot of the one who got away. My college boyfriend, the guy, I had a crush on at work who married someone else. One time when I said that ridiculously crazy thing and whatever, we all have things like that, but there are 7 billion people on this planet.

There’s so many people out there who are looking to have a relationship and there is no one chance at anything, not at weight loss, not at love, not at building a house, not at a great job, not at a business habit anything like, they just isn’t. So, when you believe, “oh, I blew my one chance at finding love,” then it’s really hard to put up a dating profile and go on a date. Like, why would you even bother to do those things if you really believed that you blew your one chance that you’re forever love with your ex, or the one who got away, or whoever?

So, that’s not a belief that’s going to serve you in going for the things. So, you either have to question that belief and stop believing it or give up. Right? So, what I do is, I would take someone like that is, okay, do you know anyone who got their heart broken, who got a divorce? Who had someone get away that they thought was their love of their life?

Do you know anyone who had those things happen, but they found someone else, and it worked out great. And if you don’t know anyone, I had all of those things happen and I’m happily married. So, use me for an example if you can’t think of anyone, but I bet you can. So, any situation that you’re going through, do you know anyone who it took like however many days to build their house, but they’re finally in and they enjoyed now living in their house?

Do you know anyone who try to let a different ways of losing weight, but it did finally work out and they did lose the weight and they’re happy in their body now? Yes, of course you do. Do you know anyone else who, like me, got dumped via text a couple of days before Christmas by a guy she met on Tinder and met her husband to be three weeks later and got married? Yes, now, you do. Okay?

There’s crazy stupid things that happened in this world. They don’t mean that you can’t have your dreams, they don’t mean any of that. So, when you catch yourself believing those things, ask yourself, is there anyone who has encountered that situation and it still worked out great for them, you can find someone who has been there?

Elizabeth: Well, what I love about that is that oftentimes, like when it comes to weight loss, when it comes to dating, we look at other people who are happy and successful. Right? And we’re like, “oh that bitch,” she like just lost 10 pounds and she didn’t even try, or she got a great guy and now she got the guy that like was maybe destined for me. I don’t know, like our brains come up with this crazy shit and we start to get resentful of other people who do have the thing that we want. And instead of using that as evidence that it’s available for us, we use it as evidence against us, that there’s some pie in the sky and we’re not getting our piece.

Renee: Yeah, and that’s really interesting, why would you want to believe that? Right? So, especially with dating, there are a limited number of people in the world, at least theoretically. I don’t really believe that there’s plenty of people in the world who want what you want. But let’s just say there are only a certain number of people who are looking for relationships at any given time. Right?

If you are out there and you are showing up with the right attitude with the right belief, why wouldn’t someone want to be with you? Okay. You can look at; so, I was speaking with the clients a few weeks ago and she had this belief that she didn’t even realize was rattling around in her brain, like, “oh, men don’t want to get married, and I’m like, really? Let’s Google how many people get married?” Assuming that there are heterosexual, and half of them are men, none of these men wanted to get married. Like, what are they doing? They’re like, going to the place, and signing their name on the marriage certificate, and standing up there, and saying whatever promise to marry you. Right?

When is the last time you tried to get a man to do something he didn’t want to do? It’s really hard, especially like marriage, I can’t even get my husband to pick up his shoes. So, like the guy married me because he wanted to. So, there are people out there who do want these things. And if you look at however many people are getting married right now and you can Google it. It’s very easy, it’s a pretty high number and these people were single just a year, or two, or three ago. They were all single and open to marriage.

So, there are plenty of people out there right now and more people every day depending on how you look at it. There are people whose girlfriends or wives decide they don’t want to be married anymore. And then, these guys who really wanted to be in a relationship are now single. They’re going to be on Tinder, they’re going to be on match. Maybe not today, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe whatever.

So, there’s constantly a new supply of people who are looking for relationships and there is no limited supply of weight loss, for sure. And there is no limited supply of most things. We know, like money is constantly being created. There’s plenty of oxygen for everybody to breathe, things are a lot less limited than we think. So, nobody can really take yours ever.

Elizabeth: Yeah. And so, one of the things that I think that; well, we as humans really struggle with is rejection. Right? And so, when we’re dating, we put ourselves out there for rejection. And in fact, I had a client just the other day, telling me about how she just cannot deal with rejection of a guy dating her. And so, how do you turn that around?

Renee: Yeah, rejection’s awful. I have been rejected so many times and I could tell you from the other side of this, like my Tinder story, getting dumped right before Christmas, via text. Seriously, that was like some pretty hardcore rejection. And I met my husband, like I said, like maybe three weeks later, we matched on Tinder on new year’s day. So, getting rejected is painful. I’m not going to coat this with sugar and sunshine and fabulous, it sucks.

But what is amazing is finding the love of your life and waking up next to him every morning and thinking, “oh, my goodness, it would have been so easy to have given up.” It would have been so easy to have never met him to have taken a year off, and complained to all my friends about how much rejection hurts and how awful it was, and this guy who dumped me via text and blah, blah, blah, and where would I be now, if I had done that? Where would I be now, if I had said, well, I just can’t deal with any more of this rejection and I’m not minimizing it, it hurts, it does.

So, the first thing I would say to someone who was dealing with that is please love on yourself. Please just hold yourself and be like, “yeah. Oh, wow, take the hit. Yes, this hurts.” This really hurts to go for something that means the world to you, to go for something that you really wanted and get punched in the face, it hurts. And you can cry, and you can take a bubble bath, and you can call your friends, and your mom, and hug your dog, and do all of those things.

And then, at the end of the day, let yourself feel it and then, I want you to ask yourself, “Hey, do you still want this thing?” And if you do, then it’s worth. I promise all of it, all of that rejection it’s worth every bit. I remember like marrying my husband and thinking I would do it all again twice just to be here, all of that.

And I remember how much it hurt and how awful some of it was, and some of it was fun too, but rejection is no joke. And I would do it all again, just to be here with him. That’s how much I wanted it, that’s how good it can be.

Elizabeth: Yeah. And I think that there are a couple things that are really resonating with what you’re saying. And one of them is that, when we’re in the midst of something that we think is terrible, it’s really difficult to see how it’s serving us. But on the other side, like I can think back to all of the times in my life that guys broke up with me, or that things didn’t work out as I had planned them to do, or thought they were going to work out, and all of the heartache, and pain that I went through those. But what you’re talking about here is, and I don’t even want to say hope.

But again, like instead of being a victim of my circumstance, how is this happening for me in my life? And so, getting dumped by the guy at Tinder, right now, you could probably be like, “dude, thank you so much for doing that because I met my husband and he’s amazing.

Renee: You know, what’s funny is I actually got to say that he texted me a couple months later. They always come back, it’s true. And I was like, “Hey, you know, yeah, thanks you did me a salad, I married the love of my life because you know, so thanks, yeah and I meant it. I meant it.

Elizabeth: So, something that I was thinking about, and this totally applies to weight loss as well is I think it’s so interesting when we are looking for Mr. Right or Ms. Right, whoever our partner and we’re completely focused. And then, we decide, you know what, I’m going to take a break. And I’m going to work on me. And when we do, then all of these potential suitors come out of the woodwork. How often does that happen in your practice?

Renee: The way I see it usually go is when people take a break, they off to that, and they’re not super available. And then, when they go out, back out in the world, there’s the same things happen.

Elizabeth: Tell me more.

Renee: Yeah. That’s how I usually see that going and I guess it’s not super surprising because that’s the way it happened in my own journey, and a lot of times I feel like we end up working with people who are a lot like we were and resonate with us. But a lot of times when I would take a break or I see somebody wanting to take a break, they’ll take that break. They’ll work on themselves, and they’ll go back out however many months, or sometimes even a year, or two later.

And they’ll think, “Oh, I’m doing great, I feel so much better now.” And the same exact thing will happen or a very similar iteration. Because when you aren’t out there dating or trying to do anything, you’re not learning anything. So, the same things happen because you haven’t learned how to do whatever you needed to learn how to do yet. In my case, it was picking the wrong same, unavailable guys over and over again and saying, I can’t help him, I’m attracted to.

And this is another analogy to weight loss is you think you can’t help who you’re attracted to you think you don’t like kale, and spinach, and you’d rather have a cheeseburger, or pizza, but you can adjust your palette by learning to make choices that support the life that you say you want. And that works with dating too, is your palette adjusts. Good men are an acquired taste, just like broccoli and spinach.

So, you can help these things but you’re not going to learn how to do that when you’re taking so many breaks and working on yourself. Because you can work on yourself, you can read books, you can talk to a coach, or a therapist about all these theoretical stuff. But if you don’t try to do anything, like eat the broccoli, or the kale, or go for a walk, or drink the water, or go on some dates, or interact with any humans. Then, you’re not really learning anything, you’re not really progressing in your journey.

Elizabeth: Got it. So, I guess I’m thinking back to when I was dating, and the internet wasn’t around at that point. And so, thank God the internet wasn’t around that. And so, I was meeting guys in bars, or at work, or through mutual friends, parties, whatever. And I remember, when I had the air of confidence or not that I was like, quote unquote on the prowl that I wasn’t trying to be available, that when I presented myself as unavailable, that’s when the guys came out of the woodwork.

Renee: Yeah. Well, and I see that too. A coach I once worked with called this and I love this analogy, the comfort bubble. So, be careful with that just as an aside if you’re dating, and you find lots of guys coming around when you’re unavailable, and they’re not the guys you want and you think they want you just because you’re unavailable, and you’re tempted to make them chase you, and play games and all of that. That’s really more of a dynamic of, I’ve love attachment theory.

When you’re always going for the unavailable person or guys only want you, when you’re unavailable. That is a different dynamic where you have to learn to, “I don’t really want to say this.” It’s like she would call it the comfort bubble. Like not wanting anyone to close to you.

So, if you’re getting a lot of people only wanting to talk to you when you’re unavailable, could it be because you’re more confident? Yeah. So, be more confident, but be careful with the unavailable thing because that’s not the relationship dynamic you want to create. You want to be available and confidence. You want to be able to hold the, “yeah, I do want this relationship to work out. I do care about this person.”

They’re not just here because I’m unavailable and I’m a challenge, they’re here because we’re trying to create something together. Let’s find out what that is, and I can still love myself and be confident enough in myself and my life that I am creating with or without this person, because they are not my only shot at the life I want.

So, you can’t have that confidence, you can’t have that self-love to be confident but not necessarily unavailable.

Elizabeth: Well, yeah. And so, what you’re saying is that when we’re talking about dating, that there are people who really don’t want a relationship. And so, they will go after the person who is unavailable. Right?

Renee: Yeah. Think about the person who’s always going for the long distance person. There’s always some kind of, “oh, he just got out of something. Oh, they’re going for their PhD right now. Oh, their cat just died four years ago and they’re still not over it.” Like, there’s always some problem with anyone that they’re attracted to. That’s like classic, and I know because this was my life. It’s like classic unavailability stuff, and you only want the unavailable people because you’re unavailable.

So, if people are coming out of the woodwork when you’re unavailable. If your ex is only comes around when you’re unavailable. I have this thing where as soon as I would get over somebody, they would call me like the minute I got over them, there was some kind of switch, and they would text me and I’d fall back into it.

But when there’s some kind of unavailability thing happening there, it’s because on some level you’re not available either. But you want this, it’s a way to keep yourself safe. You can be like, “oh yeah, I really do want a relationship.” It’s just so unfortunate that they live 2000 miles away and they are traveling for work constantly. And they have all these kids and can never make time to date me and whatever-whatever-whatever. But if it wasn’t for these things, for sure we’d be together. No, you wouldn’t.

Elizabeth: Well, no. And it’s really interesting that we do that in many areas of our life. We make excuses for why these things aren’t working out. And we do that in weight loss all the time. Like, “oh, well, if the situation was just perfect, then , I would be able to lose the weight.” But life is never going to be perfect. And so, how do we navigate those challenges? Yeah.

Renee: Yeah. So, your life today, when you’re on your way to your goal and you’re not there yet, and today counts. So, in the imperfection of today, what can you do to reach for your dream? Can you take a look at your online dating profile? Can you get back on match or Tinder? Can you go for a walk and remember to drink your water and try to eat some vegetables? What can you do today?

Elizabeth: And it’s the same process of just, what can I do today that’s going to inch me a little bit closer to my goal? It doesn’t have to be a perfect day, right? But it just as needs to be something, what can I do today? I love that.

Renee: Yeah.

Elizabeth: At the beginning, you talked about self-love. And so, how does that relate to dating? Let’s talk a little bit more about self-love.

Renee: Yeah, self-love is amazing. And this used to drive me insane when I was single, which was for a very long time. So, I had so much experience with this was people would say, “well, you know, you need to love yourself before you and I would just be like, “well, what does that even mean? I have really great clothes, and I have a nice apartment, and I have nice shoes, and I take bubble baths, and get my hair done. So, of course I love myself. I would’ve thought that was silly. I thought that was very silly, very open, and I did not really understand what that meant. And I am a very-very pragmatic person. So, I’m like, tell me what this means.

So, here is what this means to me. And I think this will resonate with a lot of people is, do you have your own back? Do you accept excuses from people who don’t treat you well, people who cancel you at the last minute, people who they say, they’re going to call you and they don’t call you. Do you really take the time to be clear on the kind of relationship you want? And only date people who can offer that to you or do you say, “oh, I’m so attracted to him, it’s okay if maybe he just told me he just got out of something, but he’ll like me and then, “oh, that’ll all change.” No, it won’t.

Love yourself enough to know what you want and not settle for less, just because you’re attracted to someone, just because you hope that maybe it will work out the way you hope that it will work out. Love yourself enough to make choices that align with your goals. And yes, I’m talking about dating, but this goes for everything.

Love yourself enough to know, what kind of job you want? Love yourself enough to know, how you want to feel your body? Do you want to work through all your breaks today and not take a walk outside? Even though, you could use that time away from your desk or do you want to prioritize something else besides your own self-care?

Do you love yourself enough to get enough sleep tonight? Do you love yourself enough to go ahead and get a workout in instead of whatever else that you could possibly do for someone else. Like, maybe you said that you were going to work out today? Do you love yourself enough to arrange your life in a way that works for you in whatever goal that you are looking to achieve? And that is the kind of self-love that I think we all miss because it’s easier to go and get a manicure.

Elizabeth: Yeah. As you were talking, I’ve been feeling this really strong emotion and it’s been a sadness for the younger version of myself. The former version of myself who got stood up so many times and still tried to make those relationships work, and how she didn’t have her own back? She thought that she deserved whatever she could get.

And that makes me so sad, but it also makes me really super proud to talk to that former version of myself and be like, look at what all of this work that you’ve done where you now will no longer tolerate anything less than what it is that you do deserve, which is everything. And yeah, I just think about that younger version of myself, and it makes me sad.

Renee: Yeah. I have a lot of stories like that too. But when you have that kind of compassion for yourself, then you can take what you learned from that and apply it in other areas. Because really when a lot of weight loss, a lot of dating, a lot of everything in creating the life you want to have is keeping your word to yourself, “hey, I have this dream.” Hey, your inner self, your higher self says, “let’s do this cool thing,” wouldn’t it be great to lose weight? Wouldn’t it be great to find the love of your life? Wouldn’t it be great to start a business, builds a house, whatever, and you’re like, “yeah, let’s do that.”

And then, you know what you want, and you make at least some kind of plan. And then, there’s going to come a time that you’re going to need to make choices about the things that you’re going to do to make this dream happen. And when you do, are you going to keep your word to yourself? And when you keep your word to yourself, it’s easier to not tolerate people who don’t keep their word to you. Right?

Because you know, you’ve got your own back. So much of dating is also about, who are you going to allow to people are going to be attracted to you? You can’t make all of the losers and players, and cat fishers like go away into some other alternate universe where you never have to see them again.

But what you can do is not allow them to stay in your life. Sure, people are going to be attracted to you because you’re amazing and awesome. But just because they’re attracted to you doesn’t mean that you have to allow them to stay in your life and continue to stand you up or not call you or whatever. You’re looking for someone whose words and actions match, someone who can keep their word. And when you keep your word to yourself, that’s your standard.

So, when you notice that there is someone who is not going to keep their word, who is not going to be respectful of your time, but that’s the standard that you’ve held for yourself. It’s really easy to be able to say, “I’m not available for that.” And you don’t have to yell at them or give them a big speech about how you don’t tolerate this, or that you could just be like peace out. I’m finding the person who can do this, who can have this kind of connection with me.

So, you’re not trying to change the loser or the guy who’s not doing a thing and make him step up because this is what you deserve. You’re trying to find the guy who’s already doing those things and showing up in that way now. And when you keep your word to yourself, you have that standard.

Elizabeth: Yeah. You just said something that I think was so super important that I want to call out because it’s really important and that is the statement of “I am unavailable for.” And I don’t think that it’s something that many of us talk about or recognize that when we finally have our own back and when we have our own back, what that means is being unavailable for anything that is sub-standard to your quality of life?

Renee: Yeah. What you’re going for, your standards.

Elizabeth: So, one of the mantras that I have is when I hear myself doing negative self-talk. I say to myself, I am energetically unavailable for negative self-talk. And why that’s important is acknowledging the negative self-talk and saying I’m unavailable for that. And I think that’s one of the definitions of having your own back is not inviting that negative self-talk that happens on the other side of decision-making. But the other piece, as you were talking, I was thinking about all of the women that I talked to who have low self-esteem.

In their current relationships, maybe their partners don’t treat them like they think they should be treated, maybe their children don’t treat them like they should be treated and thinking to themselves, you know what, I’m unavailable for that type of treatment. And it doesn’t even need to be spoken to the husband, or the kids, or your partner.

All it needs to be is something internal that’s like, you know what, I’m not going to tolerate that in my life anymore.

Renee: Yeah. And of course, if you’re dating, you don’t have to interact with that person. You can just unfriend them on whatever, block their number, say peace out, whatever. When it comes to your family, like your kids, I have four kids. They were not always like amazing. You can just walk out of the room. You could say that I will be ready to speak to you when you are ready to have a respectful conversation.

I’m not available for the way this is happening right now. You can say those things, it doesn’t have to always be cutting someone completely out of your life. It can just be, like I said, leaving the room saying I’m here when you are ready to speak respectfully, that sort of thing.

Elizabeth: Yeah. So, what you’re talking about is boundaries. So, figuring out what are my boundaries, what are the situations that I am unavailable for? And then, what we all have problems with is not setting the boundaries but reinforcing the boundary. Right? So, when someone treats us rude or whatever, how do we show up for ourselves in that situation? Yeah.

Renee: Yeah, yeah.

Elizabeth: Awesome. Okay, so you help your clients with establishing boundaries and then also, ” yeah, gosh, that is so hard is saying,” not just saying I’m not going to be available for that but then in those weak moments being like, “oh, I made the wrong decision,” and going back on yourself.

Renee: But that’s how you learn to make the right decisions is identifying those choice points. And that’s what I did after I got dumped via text is, yes, I cried, and I felt bad, and I talk to my friends and my coach, and I did all that. And then, I got my trusty journal, and I wrote down all the ways I put myself in that position. All the time that I saw that things were not going to go the way I wanted them to and how I chose to.

He was one of those ones that kept coming back and I let him be on again, off again repeatedly, even though he had ghosted me before and I had to really come to terms with, how I put myself in that situation? If I had just sat there and said, “this awful jerk dumped me via text right before Christmas, and Tinder is horrible, and men are bad, and I can’t handle rejection anymore.” It wouldn’t be married today. It’s still crying off somewhere about how awful it all is. But I had to look at how I was showing up in order for that kind of thing to happen to me, it didn’t come out of nowhere.

So, when you do make those decisions and you’re making decisions, you’re always making decisions. Can you compassionately, I’m not saying beat yourself up. I did not, didn’t do that. Sometimes I did, but I’m not saying you should. But can you look at very compassionately at how the choices that you have made have resulted in the outcomes you’re experiencing?

And what can you learn from that so that you can, “Hey, if you’re going to make some choices that don’t serve you and have some consequences that are unpleasant, think your money is worth, right? I mean, go ahead, and learn everything you can from it so that you can make a choice next time, that is more aligned with what you’d like to experience.

Elizabeth: Yeah. And as you were talking, I was just kept thinking about the phrase that we teach people how to treat us. And it’s so true. Right? So, being able to look back and say, “oh, I can see where allowing that behavior in, contributed to this cycle.” Yeah.

Renee: Yeah, it really did because like a lot of women I work with, if I was attracted to a guy and felt a connection, I gave him a pretty long leash , a lot of leeway to, I wanted to make sure, “oh, I should give him a chance, maybe I’m sure his heart’s in the right place. And I’m not saying you have to be a direct “konijn” person who just cuts everyone off if they forgot to use correct grammar or something. Like, you can give a little bit of leeway, but when it comes to someone ghosting you, when it comes to someone not treating you well, not wanting to have a real relationship with you, showing signs that they’re not available for the kind of connection you want to create.

Yeah. You need to be pretty merciless about moving on.

Elizabeth: Okay, is there anything else that the listeners need to know about self-love?

Renee: Yeah, I would say if you had something that you really want in your life, no matter what it is, a weight or fitness goal, finding the love of your life, building an amazing house, getting your degree, running a marathon, whatever it is that desire exists in your heart.

Because I believe our desires are like homework assignments from the universe. So, because you have this desire means it can be fulfilled on some level, love yourself enough to go for what it is you want today. Love yourself enough to do that for yourself, and own your dreams, and pursue them in whatever way you can.

Elizabeth: That’s amazing, that’s amazing. So, Renee, tell everyone how they can work with you and who exactly you do work with? Do you work with men and women? Do you work with heterosexual couples? Like, tell us all about that.

Renee: I work with women who really want to build a real connection. They usually want to build a connection with a man, but I will work with anyone who wants to have a long-term committed relationship with the love of their life. They’re looking for a lasting connection that usually marriage and I helped them to date effectively, and to love themselves, and present themselves in the dating world in such a way that they can attract the kind of person who wants that connection with them and to be able to build that and raise their standards so that they can have what they want.

Elizabeth: I can totally see where having you as a coach would completely help and it’s the same thing with resilience and failure in weight loss, right? That when we have a failure, “us,” being successful is our ability to recover from that failure and get up and move again. And so, having you in their back pocket where, “okay, so a date didn’t go well, or a relationship ended.”

And so, how are you going to get out there again and not make that mean, this huge thing about who you are as a person?

Renee: Oh yeah, that’s huge. That’s huge because we lose so much ground over the spin cycle. We get in over a disappointment and heartbreak is some of the most painful disappointments you can have. And I know because I’ve been there so many times and really, it can be so helpful to have someone in your corner at times like that too, to help pick you up, to help you put things in perspective and help you learn from it so it doesn’t happen again.

Elizabeth: Yeah, okay. Oh, I love this. Okay, so you have something to offer the listeners, right?

Renee: Yes, I do. If you go to my website, reneesuzannecoaching.com, I have a great video called, “how to get into the relationship you want.” And it’s all about how you can take charge of your own dating life and get into the relationship you want, instead of just showing up on match on Tinder at the bar at the whatever. And just hoping that it all works out and something good happens instead of whatever, there’s so much you can do to really stack the odds in your favor and literally create the kind of relationship you want. And I made a video all about how to do that, which you can get on my website.

Elizabeth: Awesome. Great. Well, that’s fantastic. All right, everyone, go check out Renee’s video and thank you so much for being here today. When we started, I really didn’t think that there was going to be a ton of overlap between dating and weight loss, but it’s crazy to me, how much there is?

Renee: There really is, yeah.

Elizabeth: So, thank you for being here.

Renee: Oh, thank you. Thank you so much for having me.

As Renee and I were talking, I was transformed back to the days when I was dating and the person I was at that time. When we think about our goals that we want to accomplish in life, we really don’t think about the person who we need to become in order to be successful in those goals.

It doesn’t matter if it’s dating, or getting married, or dieting, or starting a new business. In order to do something that we’ve never done before, we need to learn new skills, practice new beliefs, and get rid of the old stories that keep us stuck. Whether you’re in the dating market or not, I loved everything that Renee had to say about learning to love yourself in the process. Because that’s what everything that we are doing here on this earth is all about.

Have a great day, everyone. See you next week. Bye-bye.

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