We, women, are socialized to suppress our anger. We’re taught that it’s not attractive. It might be scary. But increasingly, women in midlife are experiencing anger and rage, and we don’t know what to do with it.
In this episode of the podcast, we’re exploring why we get angry, the purpose of anger, how it’s communicating with us, and then what to do about it.
Quite often, anger is communicating to us that a need isn’t being met, or that perhaps someone has crossed a boundary. But then an overwhelming sense of anger, and our subsequent need to suppress it because it’s scary, prevents us from exploring what the root cause of the emotion is.
Listen in to learn about how you can use your anger to get what you want.
Kristin Lindell is a certified life coach for stepmoms, a stepmom of 4, and a bio-mom of 1. She helps women stop feeling like outsiders & stop fighting, so they can stay happily married to their best friends.
Using all those things, now we can discern, is this emotional eating habit? This one in particular where I eat a bowl of ice cream every night after dinner, for example. Is that something I want to keep doing? Because of course I still want to celebrate my birthday with a cake or cook a feast for Christmas dinner. But do I want to keep eating that bowl of ice cream?
And what might be the positive intent that’s behind eating that ice cream every night? And what’s a positive alternative that I can replace with that for myself? So, it’s really about normalizing emotional eating.
You are listening to the done with dieting podcast. The podcast for women in midlife, who are done with dieting, but still want to lose weight and feel good in your clothes.
You know that diets don’t work long term. But you feel like there’s this secret that everyone else knows that you just haven’t figured it out yet.
I am your host, Elizabeth Sherman. And I’ve helped hundreds of women get off the diet roller coaster, change their relationship with food, exercise, and their bodies.
Through this podcast, my goal is to help you too.
Welcome. Let’s get started.
Hey everyone, welcome to the Done With Dieting podcast episode number 114. I have a special guest on our show today. I can’t wait for you to listen to the podcast with life coach Kristin Lindell. Now, Kristin is a coach for stepmom’s, but if you’re not a stepmom, I don’t want you to skip this one thinking that we’re just going to talk about stepmom issues, and that this one doesn’t apply to you.
We had such a great conversation about how we, women in general show up in our relationships, how we’ve been socialized to put others’ needs before our own. And the result is that we have this innate sense of anger or rage, and we have no idea why. So, what we did in this episode is we really unpacked that.
What we want to do is we want to look at what is the anger trying to tell us. And of course, all of that carries over into our eating habits and our other relationships. Because if we’re not getting our needs met in our relationships, we’re more likely to act out in unhelpful ways. So, without further delay.
Here we go.
Elizabeth: A ll right, everyone welcome Kristin Lindell to our episode. Kristin, I am so excited that you’re here today and let’s get started with who you are, who you help, what are you all about? Tell us everything.
Kristin: Yes. Well, thank you so much for having me today and really excited to be here. As you said, my name is Kristin Lindell. I am a certified life coach for stepmom. And I really deeply care about helping stepmom’s cut their fights in half at home, enjoy more listening and cooperation from their step kids, and just finding freedom from all of their anxiety, resentment, and dread so they can really live their happiest and most fulfilling life.
Elizabeth: Wow. Yeah, and I bet that what I understand, stepmom don’t really have much of an outlet. Like they don’t hang out with other step moms. They might.
Kristin: Yeah, they might. But it’s because we’re still, I guess, not as prevalent in general society. You might not know any stepmom, like in your immediate circle or your local community. And I think that leaves many women just feeling very isolated and very alone. And then, there’s a lot of shame surrounding that too because there’s no one they can relate to when they feel resentful. Or when they dread their step kids and as a society, we tend to look at those feelings and shame them. So, it is very hard because you are alone, you have little to no support and understanding in your immediate circle, and you just don’t live near anybody who can relate to you.
Elizabeth: Yeah. And as you were talking, what I always started thinking about was all of the societal messages, the negative societal that we have about stepmom’s, right?
Kristin: Yes. Yeah.
Elizabeth: What do you think about a stepmom as being like a wonderful, caring, amazing woman, right?
Unfortunately, right. And I’m going to blame. I mean, there’s fairy tales that are centuries old that have the wicked villainies stepmom in them. And then, there’s at least four Disney movies where there’s a murderous villainies stepmom.
So, all of that, this myth of the evil stepmom, the wicked stepmom, it’s really been around for centuries and it’s part of our to your point, sort of cultural narrative, even if it is unconscious. You’re right, the first thing that people think of when they think of a stepmom is like Maleficent or something from whatever. Snow White or Sleeping Beauty, I can’t remember which one. But that’s what they think of at first.
And so, when people start to feel some of these more negative feelings, and I’m using air quotes here for your listeners. Things like dread or resentment, then they start to think, oh, I must be that wicked evil person.
Elizabeth: Yeah. Yeah. And I would have to imagine that also when they step into that role of feeling like they need to discipline or put boundaries around what’s happening in their home, that they don’t really feel empowered to do that because of the fear of judgment and stereotyping.
Kristin: Yeah. They don’t feel empowered. In many cases, they might not even have the full support of their spouse to do that. Which is a whole mother kind of warm, so to speak. And yeah, it’s like they feel like they have to walk on eggshells because they’re not sure if their intentions are good enough so to speak, or if they’re just falling into the evil, wicked, cultural paradigm that we’ve all grown up with.
Elizabeth: Yeah. So, how do you help your clients with that dynamic of being able to love and accept themselves and manage that relationship between themselves, their partners, their own kids potentially, and then their step kids. .
Kristin: Yep. So, first we just validate. That whatever they’re experiencing is normal. All of the anxiety, the dread, the resentment, it’s all normal. It just means they’re human beings having human emotions. So, that’s step one is really just creating some emotional relief for them through validation.
And then, step two is getting underneath of why these feelings are there in the first place. What is the narrative? What are the stories that are floating around in their mind about why they’re feeling resentful or why they have all this anxiety or why they have all this dread. And oftentimes, it comes back to blaming themselves, for example. Right? Or just maybe feeling stuck, not really having the tool or the script to communicate in a different way and improve their relationships.
So, we help understand those underlying narratives beneath the emotions, and then we dismantle them. We give them new narratives to hang onto so that they can feel calmer and more content on command. Because as you know, and as I’m not sure to what extent your listeners know this so we can dive into this more as well, right?
But our thoughts create our feelings, which dictate our actions and our interactions. So, once we have them essentially feeling better on the inside, that’s when I come in and say, okay, use this script to get more listening from your step kids. Use this script to start to compromise with your spouse. Use this script to assert your needs and your boundaries. Use this script to ask for what you need and get your needs met.
Without rocking the boat too much. In a kind, loving, and healthy way. But we can only do that once we’re thinking differently and feeling better on the inside.
Elizabeth: Yeah. Yeah. And I would have to imagine, as you were talking, what I was thinking about was the motivational triad, which is a really incredible tool that we both learned in life coaching, the life coaching school that we went through. And the motivational triad is the idea that everything that we do, we do because we as humans always seek pleasure, avoid pain, and do it as efficiently as possible.
I think what happens first, I would have to imagine a lot of women are coming to you because they’re like, why did I get so angry? Or why did I lash out like that?
Kristin: Yes. Yeah.
Elizabeth: And so, when we can look at that behavior, our past behavior through the lens of the motivational triad, we can understand and have more compassion for the past versions of ourselves.
Elizabeth: And then, be able to use these tools going forward.
Kristin: Yeah. Because oftentimes when we look at things like anger. Like I’ve had people come to me who are just filled with rage. And oftentimes, that’s a sign in more cases than not, I want to say like 95% of the time, it’s a sign that I have needs that I’m suppressing. And I am angry about it, and this is how it’s going to come out. Like in this sort of extreme version, extreme lashing out, lots of yelling. That’s how it comes out. But really, it’s a sign that our needs are not being met or we’re suppressing them in some way.
Elizabeth: Yeah, I love that. And it’s so absolutely true. I’m going to do a podcast on this soon. Something that I really just had this huge aha moment recently is that we as women have this innate desire need to be the good woman. To be the good wife, to be the good mother, to be the good employee, to be the good friend, to be the good daughter. Everything needs to be like so that we can feel good about ourselves. We need to behave in this way that is perfect.
And so, whenever we do something that doesn’t match that narrative of ourselves, we feel terrible about it. And I think that what you’re saying is that we don’t feel like we’re empowered enough to ask for what we want because that doesn’t fit the narrative of being good. We have to be selfless.
Kristin: Right. Yes. And especially, in a second marriage or even a first marriage with kids from spouse has kids or whatever. Whatever your situation, when there are step kids involved, I think there still is this underlying belief that they have to come first. Above the marriage, above our own needs. And a lot of people women go into that situation thinking, maybe unconsciously they’re not even aware of it. But I have to make everyone happy. I have to bend over to make everybody happy.
And then when you do that for years, you are depleted, you are exhausted. And that’s when that kind of rage starts to come out.
Elizabeth: Right. Yeah, absolutely. And something that we were just talking about before we got on hit record was yeah, that anger and how it’s not satisfying and neat. I love that.
Elizabeth: So, how do you tease that apart? How do you figure out what the anger is ultimately, I don’t want to say covering up, maybe it’s covering up, it’s a secondary emotion. Yeah? From sadness, or not having your needs met, or a boundary crossed.
Kristin: Yeah. So, that’s a great question. I think that it just comes through gentle exploration. Like just really honestly, asking some form of the same question over and over again to sort of get to what is really underneath like, why? Why do you keep saying yes, for example to shifting your schedule, right? Forgetting about your gym time when your husband asks you last minute to change things around.
Why do you keep saying yes to that if you really want to say no? Well, I don’t know. I feel bad. And why do you feel bad? Well, then he’s going to be upset. And why is that your responsibility?
So, we really get to the root scores, the fear, the insecurity that’s beneath, the need to keep saying yes. And a lot of times especially as women, we’ve often been socialized to people pleased. Going back to your point about being the good. The good mom, the good spouse, the good wife, the good employee, right? We’ve been socialized to people please.
And so, there is this like real innate fear that I won’t belong or I won’t be loved that’s often underneath not having boundaries and saying yes when it’s really a no.
Elizabeth: Yeah. Yeah, let’s take a moment and let that sink in right there. That’s huge that we people please because we’re afraid that we are not good enough on our own.
Kristin: Yeah. We’re afraid of the consequences of that. And oftentimes, this kind of stuff comes from how we were raised. As kids, we unconsciously may have absorbed the message that I need to get good grades so my parents will be happy so that they will love me. Right? That’s like a child’s number one goal is to be loved and accepted because they need their parents to survive.
But then when we don’t actually let go of those programs as a kid and we transition into adulthood, we’re still walking around with this idea that my love, my sense of worth, my sense of belonging is tied to me pleasing others versus pleasing myself.
Elizabeth: Yeah. Well, and I would have to imagine that as a stepmom, she is really walking on eggshells in her house because probably she feels like her partner has more loyalty to their children than to herself. And if it’s between the two, the children or myself, I’m going to lose. Right?
Kristin: Yeah. I think that oftentimes can come up, it doesn’t happen in every blended family situation but there are a lot of cases where the biological spouse, the bio parent of someone’s step kids is parenting from a place of fear. Like, I don’t want to do anything that might make my kids want to spend all their time with their other biological parent, or guilt. I got this divorce and I’ve traumatized my kids. And so, I have to make them happy all the time.
That kind of trumped anything that the stepmom might say, or want, or need. So, it can be a very delicate situation. But oftentimes what I see is that the stepmom tries to overcompensate for that. And she doesn’t ask for what she needs. She tries to make everybody happy only to realize that’s impossible.
And then, it’s kind of like she’s in a way, enabling her spell to continue to not parent, to not set boundaries, to not enforce rules with the kid. And so, what we see then is once step moms start to realize they matter, no matter what that they can assert their needs, they can have boundaries, they can say no when it’s really a no, and do it in a loving way.
That’s when the spouse starts to be like, oh no, these kids really are causing problems and like it’s my fault. So that’s when things can really start to turn around in the relationship when the stepmom’s actually start to meet their own needs. And that’s when that anger goes away. That’s when that resentment goes away.
Elizabeth: Yeah. So good. Okay. So, we decided that we were going to have this podcast episode after we had a virtual coffee. And we were talking about self-love, and overeating, and all of this stuff. It all kind of goes together because I have to imagine, well, I know from working with women that when we abandon ourselves, when we don’t go after what it is that we want, then we become angry. Like, what Kristen just said. And we will self-sues.
Kristin: Yep. A hundred percent.
Elizabeth: Let’s talk about that a little bit and then we can move into the other areas that we were talking about.
Kristin: Yeah. Absolutely. And even just thinking about like, one client in particular who I have her permission to share her name, her testimonials on my website and stuff. Her name is Rema. She came to me full of resentment and anger. And we worked on her setting boundaries, her identifying her needs, making sure they were met by herself, or friends, or her spouse.
And by the end of that, she was 15 pound lighter. We didn’t even do any coaching specifically on eating. But because she was getting filled up in other ways, the food was no longer as enticing. The excess food. The overeating was no longer a need because we identified what her real needs actually were, her deeper level needs. And made sure she was meeting them.
So, it really does like oftentimes there really is a direct relationship between an unmet need, or desire, or want. And whether or not we are emotionally eating to soothe the absence of that need. Like the whole, the gap that we feel because something else is missing from our lives.
Elizabeth: Yeah. I’m so curious about this. If you had asked her at the very beginning of your coaching. Do you eat emotionally, what would she have said?
Kristin: I don’t know. That’s a great question. I mean, I’m trying to think. I’m sure that if I had teased it out a little bit more, like given more examples and explained what emotional eating was. She might have said yes, but she didn’t come to me for emotional eating so to speak as her issue. Her issue was anger and resentment towards herself. So, who knows if she would’ve identified that for herself, you know?
Elizabeth: Yeah. The reason I ask is because I’ve just been coaching one of my clients who I love this and she’s actually going to give me a testimonial. But recently she said to me, when I started coaching with you, I had no idea how much we were going to be talking about my kids and my relationship with my partner.
Elizabeth: And because I don’t know that she really identified that she knew that she was eating too much snack foods, but I don’t think that she realized that it was in relation to the stress of these other relationships, these family relationships.
Kristin: Yeah. Yeah. Because I mean, you’re right. I think oftentimes it is unconscious. Because it’s such like a conditioned response that we have, right? Because eating literally can smooth our nervous system. So, that makes a lot of sense. And if you’re extra stressed at home and this has been your habituated outlet for stress through snacking. Of course, you’re going to do that because it really, it can and does calm your body down when you’re full.
Elizabeth: Yeah. Well, and I have to imagine that there’s a lot of women like one of the things that we do as women is we give up so much of ourselves, right? That when we start a family, all of a sudden, we don’t know what do I like anymore. What music do I like? What art do I like? Do I even like these clothes or are they just utilitarian? Like we’ve given up so much, yet we know what everyone else loves, what our kids are interested in, and who their best friend is, and all of that great stuff.
So, what happens I think is that we lose that joy, that creativity that we need in our lives, and we fill it with food.
Kristin: Yeah, absolutely. And yeah, I’m just thinking like in my own life, if I’m eating and my baby who’s 15 months is around, she like will literally open her mouth want to eat my food. So, you know, I get that. It’s like, I feel like I can’t even eat in peace. So, I totally get that. And I think that when we’re considering eating as this emotional outlet.
Again, I think that in a lot of cases, like you were saying, it could be that our needs are not getting met. And specifically, we want to know what are those specific needs? Like I’ve heard about people who are observed, for example, clients who binge eat. And the reason they do it when we sort of drill down is they say that I just like feeling free. I just like feeling unrestricted.
So, if we think about that as like sort of the positive intent behind the need to snack or to binge. If there’s a positive intent behind it, what is that? What might your body be trying to tell you? And in this case, this woman’s was, I need an outlet where I can just be free and limitless. And so, then we find a positive alternative to binging for her. So that need is still met in a way that aligns with her other goals and her desires for her body.
Elizabeth: Yeah. That is so powerful. So, let’s talk a little bit about emotionally eating. I talk a lot about emotional eating with my clients and how we’re never going to get rid of emotional eating, right? Like we use food to celebrate. What are your thoughts about that?
Kristin: Well, I think first of all, like just I love your message around we’re not going to get rid of it because that also means it’s normal. Like food is emotional. Right? And using like the tools that we have as coaches, and I’m sure when your clients work with you, they learn all these really cool tools as well.
Using all those things, now we can discern, is this emotional eating habit? This one in particular where I eat a bowl of ice cream every night after dinner, for example. Is that something I want to keep doing? Because of course I still want to celebrate my birthday with a cake or cook a feast for Christmas dinner. But do I want to keep eating that bowl of ice cream?
And what might be the positive intent that’s behind eating that ice cream every night? And what’s a positive alternative that I can replace with that for myself? So, it’s really about normalizing emotional eating but then also recognizing that once you have the tool, you then have a choice. To your point, it’s not about eliminating pleasure from food altogether. It’s about being discerning in how you want to live your life in relation to food.
Elizabeth: Yeah. And I think that most people don’t want to give up treats. Right?
Elizabeth: No one wants to get rid of cake and ice cream and delicious things. We just don’t want to feel like we’re using it unhealthily or we have a choice in it. Because I know that I have a sweet tooth and something after dinner. But I don’t like being at the mercy of my cravings.
Kristin: Yes, absolutely. Yeah. And I think that sense of control, like being able to decide not just have it be something that’s automatic or unconscious, like the next thing I knew, I was done the bag of chips. To sort of learn how to slow that down at first and pause beforehand and really decide for yourself, do I really want the chips? Or like, am I just bored? For example.
I think that’s very powerful and that’s what allows people to really feel good about their bodies. And their abilities to shape their bodies, in a way that feels good to them.
Elizabeth: Yeah. When we were talking earlier and you were talking about the bowl of ice cream, the thing that I was thinking about was so many women have this thing called revenge bedtime procrastination. Are you familiar with the term?
Elizabeth: But you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Kristin: I think I do. Yeah.
It’s when everyone has been asking for needing something from us all day long. And it’s 10 o’clock, everyone’s in bed and we’re like, Ugh ugh, I finally get some time to myself. And so, when you were talking about the ice cream and eating alone and just having some time and pleasure to yourself, like that’s what I think we really desire.
Kristin: Yes. Yeah. But we don’t realize unless we are talking about it. Unless we maybe hear about it. Like on this podcast or talk about it with a coach that oh, that’s what I’m doing. Because then once that light bulb goes off, we can figure out what’s a better way for me to meet that need to just sit alone with myself. Maybe I want to read a book instead or sit in silence. Literal silence with a cup of tea for five minutes.
Elizabeth: Right. Or watch the Gilmore Girls or whatever movies you watch on tv. But doing it in a way that we’re not also scrolling on social and eating at the same time. Because then what happens is we wake up the next morning and we’re beating ourselves up because we’re like, oh, I said I wasn’t going to do that, and I did it again.
Kristin: Exactly. Yep. So, that makes it much harder to your point to stop the shame spiral. So, it’s got like this sort of double so to speak, negative consequence of maybe shaping my body in a way that I don’t want it to be, but also then beating myself up the next day. Which again, that shame piece, it makes it harder to change myself. When I shame myself because shame makes us want to hide. Whereas normalizing, validating, hey, it’s like totally normal that you eat a bowl ice cream every night. And now, what do you want to do instead?
Elizabeth: Well, and getting curious like, why do I do that? What am I really looking for? Is it just habit? Yes. Like how can I change that?
Kristin: Yeah. Yeah, and I think it’s fascinating. Once you really get to know yourself in that way, and you look at what is underneath this. What if there was a positive intention underneath this, what is it? Then you just feel so much better about yourself. You’re like, oh, I’m just, this is just my body’s way of telling me I need a break or telling me I need to have more fun in my life. And you have more compassion, which again, helps to stop that shaming spiral about how you have been or what you have done. Because you see, like everything that I do, my brain and my body are always acting in my best interest.
Elizabeth: I think that’s a hard one for a lot of women to accept and understand.
Kristin: Yeah. And it takes practice, right? And so, you have to I think purposely ask yourself the question, what is the positive intent beneath this? Like anger, right? Yelling is often a symptom of anger which is often a sign that my needs aren’t being met. Like that’s my body’s way of telling me to pay attention to my needs. That’s the positive intent beneath that. Right?
Positive intent behind eating a bowl of ice cream every night. Maybe that is just, I need a moment alone to myself where I’m just giving myself pleasure. Beautiful. Because we need it, right? And when we identify that, then we start to see, we can apply that to anything in our lives. And we can always ask with any habit, with any sort of behavior we want to change, what’s the positive intent beneath it. It makes it easier to change once we actually identify that.
Elizabeth: Yeah. So, I would have to imagine that you spend a lot of time working with clients in their relationship with themselves.
Kristin: Yeah. And it goes both ways because often they come because they’re fighting with their partners and they can’t stop. But it turns out the reason they can’t stop is because they think that their partners don’t care about them. Or they think they’re not a priority, as if though often the case with like stepmom. They think, oh, I’m second wife. Second best, third wheel, a glorified nanny.
They think all these things about themselves and that’s why they argue because they feel unimportant, they feel undervalued, they feel deprioritized. So, I first have to help them recognize their own inherent worth and value, so they can start to actually show up that way. And showing up that way often looks like, asserting boundaries. Saying no, when they really ‘no.’ Asking for what they need, calmly discussing contentious topics, or commonly pushing back about things that they don’t like.
But they can only do that powerfully and with influence and in a way that other people will listen to them when they feel good about themselves on the inside. When they know that no matter what happens, I’m good. No matter what happens, I’m still important and a valuable member of my family.
Elizabeth: Yeah. When we’re talking about relationship with ourselves and our relationship with our partners. One thing that I think that we learned through our coaching certification was the idea that we’ve been taught socially that our partner, our primary relationship needs to fulfill like all of these different roles. And so, we tend to get dissatisfied with our relationships when our partner doesn’t want to go see all of the same movies that we do or do all of the things that are interesting to us.
How do you help your clients create a richer experience within their relationships and get those needs met?
Kristin: Yeah. Well, I tell them, there has to be a balance is usually what I advise. And it’s not fair to us or to our partners to expect them to be able to meet every need. And once we really understand that that tends to be very freeing and takes a lot of pressure off the relationship. Like in my own relationship, for example. I know that my husband isn’t always the best person to talk about my deepest feelings with.
But that’s why I have all of my good friends. And peers and colleagues who I can bring this kind of stuff to, and it’s not a problem. I help my clients see that as well. I help them tap into, okay, if my partner isn’t able to meet my needs. And in some cases they’re not even really capable, depending on what it is.
Then who else do I have in my life? Can I call a good friend? Can I talk to my mom? Can I go snuggle with my kid? Like I really encourage them to take out the idea of the all or nothing marriage and really lean on their community for more of that support because the truth is we were not designed as humans to just rely on one person to meet all of our needs.
We grow in community. We need a community and putting all that pressure on the relationship tends to do more harm than good for the longevity, and the health, and the happiness of the marriage.
Elizabeth: Yeah. Well, and I would have to imagine that when you’re feeling so much pressure in that relationship, that it’s just another thing that you want to go to food for.
Kristin: Probably, yeah. I’ve had a number of clients to be quite honest, who’ve lost 10, 15 pounds through the work that we do together. So, I know that there’s for many people, emotional eating happens because maybe they are thinking all my needs need to get met by my partner. They’re not expressing them in the first place. They don’t even necessarily know what their needs are, but they know they’re not going to meet.
And then, they look to their partner and their partner is also struggling for whatever reason. And so, yeah, it just of course they want to turn for food because they’re just forgetting. Right? That there are other outlets that are actually more fulfilling and fill our deeper needs. The needs that kind of trump the motivational triad for connection, and community, and belonging, and contribution. All that really juicy stuff that we also crave trump for many of us, for all of us as humans, really desire to eat once we tap into that. Once we recognize other things that are available to us to meet those needs.
Elizabeth: Yeah. There’s that amazing mouse or rat study where they get rats cocaine filled water. And then, they put them in like a social park with other rats and they didn’t want the cocaine water, and that’s just so amazing.
Kristin: Yeah, it’s incredible, right? And that’s how we’re designed as people, we do better. It’s not just like, oh, you’re going to be happier. No. Like on a cellular level. The structures of our brains change. Our amygdala shrinks. All these really cool things happen, we become less stressed. Our days feel easier. We feel more connected. We feel more energized. All these really cool things happen when we feel supported in our needs by a broader community than just one person.
Elizabeth: So, what do you say to the person who identifies as an introvert or someone who doesn’t have a huge social circle?
Kristin: Yeah. So, I’m an introvert.
Elizabeth: Me too.
Kristin: So, this actually applies to me. So, in my own life I think about I have a handful of really close friends that I lean on. And I lean into those relationships. If you are an introvert, this is kind of what I did for myself. Just know that it is beneficial to reach out to the people you love. To connect with them. And you can do it in a way that feels good to you. Like maybe you just have a five minute phone call with your best friend once a week or something. It doesn’t have to be this huge effort, it’s what it is that you need, and then you notice how you feel, for example after that phone call.
Do you feel more alive? Do you feel more connected? Do you feel happier? So, just notice the positive effects and then you’ll want to keep doing that stuff more and more. And if you’re really in a place where it’s like, I don’t have a ton of friends, I want more, then like, go make more.
I know it’s hard as an adult, but there’s all these like cool friendship apps, that are coming out now. It’s like you’re into the online thing or you can join a book club or a sports club. Like I personally have moved around a lot in my life, and I always found really close friendships in those places just by doing an activity that I liked where I could meet other people who had similar interests.
So, I do know it’s difficult. But as a person who’s an introvert who’s moved literally, lived in four different countries since I left college, I know that you can do it too. If you’re listening to this and you’re like, I need more friends, you can absolutely do it and just know that it’s so beneficial to just who you are as a person, to how you feel, to how you go about your day. And it really can enrich the quality of your life.
Elizabeth: Well, yeah. At the end of I guess it was November and December. I just decided and you were part of this that I was going to reach out to people and do coffee dates. And I love it. It’s been amazing because it’s allowed me to reconnect with people that I used to be connected to.
I’ve been reaching out to past clients and other coaches as well as past friends and just connecting with them and saying, Hey, what is going on with you? I think that we’re afraid that we’re going to get rejected, that someone’s going to be totally like, I don’t want to have coffee with you. Okay. I’m sure there were a lot of people who didn’t respond to me who I was like, okay, that’s fine. You might think that I’m trying to get some business out of you, I’m not. But I just want to have a connection. And it’s been great with those people that I’ve been doing it with.
Kristin: Yeah. Yeah. And I think you’re right like there is for so many people that fear of rejection. But I think that we often forget like if somebody’s asking us to hang out, that feels really good. They’re like, oh, they like me. Right? The chances are they’re going to say yes. It’s more likely that they will say yes versus no because I think at our core, we all have the same insecurities around friendships.
Kristin: And we all want to be liked, we all want to be accepted. And so, knowing that, I think it’s just asking, knowing that you’re probably going to get more yes’s and no’s for friendships which is a really a pretty cool thing.
Elizabeth: I just started reading this book called Platonic. And in the book, she talks about how we think about ourselves going back to relationship with self. That if we think that we are likable, then other people are going to like us. And chances are that people like us more than we think they do anyway. And so, it’s just a really interesting thought experiment that when you go into a party, if you go in believing everyone here is going to like me, then chances are that more people are going to like you than not.
Kristin: Yeah, a hundred percent. And I think I’ve heard something similar to that and I use that, even now. Because I have a baby who’s in daycare and I’ve started to interact with some of the moms at daycare. And I literally tell myself something very similar like, I’m going to assume they like me.
And it’s through that, that I’ve been able to make some connections and actually spend time outside of daycare with some of these women who are super cool. And so, it doesn’t have to be like to your point, it doesn’t feel so scary when you make that assumption.
Elizabeth: Yeah. I love that. Okay. So, what else do you want to share with everyone. What haven’t we talked about? Because I feel like we’ve talked about a lot.
Kristin: We’ve covered so many things. I know, it’s amazing. I will say that there are some really cool tricks that people can use to help quell their desires to emotionally eat. So, we’ve talked about after the fact, identifying the positive intent. Why am I doing this? Getting curious. What is the positive intent? We want to be very clear with those words, those to not shame ourselves. What is the positive intent behind this?
But then even in the moment, when you notice that craving, even doing something like taking a slow deep breath in through your nose, exhaling for twice as long through the mouth can help to alleviate the craving for that extra bowl of ice cream or using, people can google this, emotional freedom techniques like tapping. That can help to bring down a craving really quickly.
In addition to all the cool stuff that you teach people about cravings too. So, I want people to know that it’s actually very easy once they know the tool to knock down a craving in real time. So, if you’re thinking about, how do I stop this? If someone’s listening to this podcast and they’re like, okay, well what do I do?
First, identify the positive intent and then breathing, fast tapping. Using any of the techniques you’ve taught on the podcast to alleviate. Allow alleviate that urge, that desire. And the more that you do that, the less strong that desire becomes, the easier it is to do that other thing you want to do instead. Like sit with a cup of tea, or meditate, or call a friend, or watch, ‘ I’m watching you’ on Netflix which is very intriguing to me right now.
So, that’s how you do it. It’s not challenging once you learn the tools. That’s all you need.
Elizabeth: So, we have not had anyone on the show before who’s talked about tapping before.
Elizabeth: Let’s dive into that. I had forgotten that you were an EFT Practitioner.
Kristin: Yeah. So, just full disclosure, I’m not like certified in E F T at all but I’ve had it done to me so much it part of a certification that I’m doing right now. But there’s so much good stuff on the web about tapping that people can look into and dive into. There’s lots of research studies on the efficacy. But basically, all it is, it’s using acupressure points on the body to release like stuck feelings or release negative emotions or release a craving.
And so, you can tap on different points and there’s tons of videos demonstrating what those are. And it’s kind of hard to like just talk about them on the podcast. But you’ve basically tap on different points on your face, chest, under arm, and head. And then, you say some things, say some words. It can be as simple as I can release and let this go and notice how you feel. And that’s basically all that it is. It’s a tool that can be very useful for really strong emotions, but also for cravings. Because those things tend to be really intense.
I’m sure some of you guys can relate, right? Like see the chocolate chip cookie fresh from the oven? Like your mouth starts to water, right? So, tapping can be really useful for that kind of stuff because it’s a quick way to calm the nervous system down and release emotions from the body. Okay.
Elizabeth: Yeah. And we can put some links in the show notes for people interested in tapping. I know that Brad Yates, it has like tons of YouTube videos, especially around eating, and emotional eating, and things like that.
Elizabeth: Very cool. So tell us, Kristen, how can people find you and what do you have coming up that might interest some of the listeners?
Kristin: Yeah, so they can follow me on Instagram, it’s @the.stepmom.coach. Or come find me on Facebook at coaching with Kristin. And then, what I have coming up, I have sort of an evergreen free training that people can always access, and I think we’re going to include that in the link as a link under the show notes here, so people can always access that. Get on my email list. I do literally tons of these techniques. I demonstrate them for free on Instagram, on Facebook.
And if you’re really diligent, you could go pretty far with all the free stuff I put out there. So, I would just go. Honestly, I think the best place if you’re just getting to know me and want to learn a little bit more is to go to Instagram because I do have a lot of stuff organized by different topics like how to get calm, you know how to reframe some of your negative beliefs, how to use simple scripts to set boundaries and argue less.
So, you can check all those out. You can join my email list, get access to the free training, and just continue to soak in all of the goodies that I have there for my audience.
Elizabeth: Yeah. I love seeing you on Instagram and Facebook. You do videos, .
Kristin: Yeah. I do a lot of videos. Yes, I do.
Elizabeth: That’s awesome.
Kristin: Yeah. Yeah, it’s fun. It’s way easier for me to do videos actually, than to type things out sometimes.
Elizabeth: Totally get it.
Kristin: Yeah. Yep.
Elizabeth: Awesome. Well, thank you for being here today.
Kristin: Yeah. Thank you for having me. This has been so fun, and I hope it’s useful to your listeners. I know personally, it’s taken me a long time to learn about this stuff and really integrate it into my life. And so, I hope this just saves people five years of trying to figure this out on their own.
Elizabeth: Right. Yeah. You’ve just shared so much amazing stuff today, so thank you. I really appreciate it.
Kristin: Thank you for having me.
Ah, I loved that conversation. If you are interested in learning more about how to improve your relationship with yourself so that you can have a better relationship with others, I totally encourage you to reach out to Kristin. Even if you are an introvert and don’t feel the need to make new friendships. I kid.
Anyway, have a great day, everyone. And I will see you next week. Bye-bye.
Hey, if you enjoy listening to this podcast, you have to come check out the Feel Good Sisterhood. It’s my small group coaching program where we take all this material, and we apply it. We figure out what works for us, and we don’t ever look at another diet ever again.
Join me over at elizabethsherman.com/groupcoaching. I’d love to have you join me in the Feel Good Sisterhood. See you there.