It was about a year ago. We were at a party. I remember there being a large chocolate sheet cake with chocolate frosting. I wanted it. Throughout the night I could barely concentrate on anything that I was engaged in. I don’t remember any conversations because in the back of my head I kept thinking about that cake. I wanted the cake. It was all I could think about.
At one point, I broke off & went to the bathroom, seeking the cake, but couldn’t find it. I think it was all gone & although I was disappointed, felt relief that I didn’t have to think about it any longer.
Shortly after that party, I read James Frey’s A Million Little Pieces. It was the first time that I looked at my eating habits as an addiction:
I smell the food, it is breakfast food. Eggs and bacon and sausage and pancakes and French toast. It smells f*cking good. I see the oatmeal in a big crock off to the side. F*ck that oatmeal. disgusting gray mushy bullshit. I can smell the food, it is breakfast food. Eggs and bacon and sausage and pancakes and French toast.
I move closer, closer, closer. My need to get f*cked up has grown exponentially. It has grown to the point that it is no longer a thought and it has grown to the point that I don’t have any thoughts. There is just basic instinct. Get something. Fill me. Get something. Fill me.
…
I grab a tray and I ask the woman behind the Glass Counter for eggs and bacon and sausage and pancakes and French toast. She doesn’t give me enough, so I ask for more. She gives me another helping, but it’s still not enough. I ask again. She says no, the plate won’t hold anything else.
…
I sit down and I get a bottle of syrup and I cover the eggs and bacon and sausage and pancakes and French toast with the syrup and I start devouring the food. I don’t look at what it is and I don’t taste it and I don’t care what it is or what it tastes like. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I have something and I’m going to take as much as I can as fast as I can. Get something. Fill me.
– a million little pieces by James Frey
That was a HUGE revelation for me. Reflecting on my self-talk as it involved food became a big step for me. I already had exercise down. I was a life long exerciser & knew that I always would be. Yet, although I existed as a thin person, I felt like I was white knuckle-ing it. I knew that my relationship with food was tentative.
I knew I was on the right path, but I still had these episodes. I said all the right things: “Food is fuel!” But I still had times when I was eating myself out of my goals.
This weekend I was again, at a party. There was a cake there. This weekend, it didn’t appeal to me. It didn’t call my name. I didn’t want to consume it.
Why? I don’t know.
I know that I’ve felt more comfortable with my relationship with food over the last few months, and that comfort could be for a number of reasons.
My perspective on my eating has changed.
In February, I found out that a second of my sisters has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Even though I had changed my diet a few months before, as a result of this news, I tightened up my diet a bit more. I’ve been doing a lot of research on diet, exercise and cancer prevention, and as a result of what I have found, I have eliminated processed foods from my diet, wheat and most grains and refined sugars.
So, was I able to resist the cake because sugar doesn’t have the power over me it once did? Maybe.
Was I able to resist the cake because I was thinking that it could potentially give me cancer? No – that didn’t cross my mind.
Am I over having these obsessive thoughts about food? Probably not.
BUT, it did give me hope that its going to get easier.
I do feel better about my relationship with food. It’s not a “Get something. Fill me.” relationship any longer.
Elizabeth is a Master Certified Life and Health Coach with over 18 years of experience, dedicated to helping women in midlife thrive through holistic health and wellness. Her personal journey began with a desire to reduce her own breast cancer risk, which evolved into a mission to guide women through the complexities of midlife health, from hormonal changes to mental clarity and emotional resilience.
Elizabeth holds certifications from prestigious institutions such as The Life Coach School, Precision Nutrition, and the American Council on Exercise, as well as specialized training in Feminist Coaching and Women’s Hormonal Health. Her approach is deeply empathetic, blending her extensive knowledge with real-life experience to empower women in their 50s and 60s to build sustainable health habits that last a lifetime.
Recognized as a top voice in women’s health, Elizabeth speaks regularly on stages, podcasts, and webinars, inspiring women to embrace midlife with energy, confidence, and joy. Her passion is helping women regain control of their health, so they can fully engage in the things that matter most to them—whether that’s pursuing new passions, maintaining strong relationships, or simply feeling great in their own skin.