227 – The thing before the thing

Elizabeth: [00:00:00] So, you think the problem is food, or that you just need to find the right diet, or get motivated, or be more disciplined. But what if none of that is actually the problem? What if the real reason you can’t stay consistent, why you keep falling off track, or why you feel like you’re starting over every Monday isn’t about the food, the fitness, or willpower. What if the thing that’s really getting in your way is something that you haven’t even looked at?

In today’s episode, I’m gonna show you why all of the plans and programs in the world won’t work if you’re solving for the wrong problem. And how to figure out what’s actually been holding you back. It’s not what you think. And once you see it, you won’t be able to unsee it. So, stick with me. This might be the episode that changes everything for you.

Hey everyone, thank [00:01:00] you for tuning into the Total Health and Midlife Podcast. I am your host, Elizabeth Sherman. And I could not be more happy that you are gonna be spending some time with me today. Now, be aware that today’s episode might ruffle a few feathers, but hopefully it’ll all be in a good way.

So, let’s talk about something that I see all the time. You think the problem is food or that you’re just not motivated enough to exercise. But what if that’s not really the problem? A little while ago, I realized that my clothes were fitting a little bit more tightly, not dramatically, just enough to notice that something felt off.

I don’t weigh myself or track my food because it’s just something that I don’t do anymore. I didn’t bring my scale with me down to Mexico. But I took a photo and yeah, I could see it. And here’s what’s wild. I wasn’t even really that [00:02:00] surprised because if I was being honest with myself, my food choices had been a little lazy.

I had been eating more chocolate than I needed and I was making this TikTok cottage cheese, ice cream hack at night. And that honestly, it was tasty but it wasn’t that good. It was just easy and it felt like a treat. Now, a younger version of me would’ve gone on full drama, cutting out all dairy, doubling my workouts, and tried to quote unquote, get back on track with some all or nothing plan.

But this current version of me, she stopped. I stopped. I looked at what was actually going on. Now, I had been skipping my morning routine. I was glued to my phone. I was working too much. I was eating healthy. I was eating the same things that I was eating before, [00:03:00] but not really. It was more like stress eating in disguise. I wasn’t failing at food, but I was disconnected from myself from what I needed and from what made me feel like me.

So, today, I wanna explore that a little bit because if you’ve been feeling stuck, like you know what to do, but you just can’t make it stick. Maybe it’s not that you’re lazy, maybe you’ve just been solving for the wrong problem. So, let’s name it. Let’s talk about it.

Most women I work with think the problem is them. They’ll say things like, I just need to get more motivated, or I need more discipline. Or if I could just find the right plan, everything would be fine. Right? We think that. You might think that the issue is that you haven’t [00:04:00] found the right diet or that you’re not consistent enough.

Maybe you believe that you just don’t want it bad enough. But what if none of that is actually true? What if you’ve just been trying to fix the wrong thing? Here’s a really simple example. Let’s say that you’re feeling unmotivated to make dinner. So, you keep telling yourself, I just need to stop being lazy and cook. It’s not super helpful, is it?

But when you look around, you notice that the kitchen’s a mess. The sink is full of dishes, the counters are sticky. The dishwasher’s clean, but it hasn’t been unloaded. So, you are not actually lazy. You’re just overwhelmed by your environment. There is so much to do before you can even start cooking that the real problem isn’t cooking. It’s the state of the kitchen. Once the kitchen [00:05:00] is clean. ,Cooking suddenly becomes a whole lot easier, right?

And so, the same thing happens with your health habits. You think you need a better meal plan or a tougher workout or to try harder. But if your schedule is slammed and if your stress is off the charts. If your morning starts with checking your email and ends with you crashing on the couch. Then, no amount of protein smoothies or Peloton rides is gonna stick. Because the problem isn’t your willpower, it’s that your life is set up in a way that makes it nearly impossible to actually take care of yourself.

Now, this isn’t a moral failure. This is no judgment. That’s a mismatch between your goals and your reality. And if no one’s ever told you that before, let me be the first. You’re not failing. You’re just focused on the wrong fix. Here’s why it gets [00:06:00] sneaky. We misdiagnose the problem because we’ve actually been trained to do that.

From a young age, women are taught to be the responsible one, the helper, the organizer, the one who remembers birthdays, and refills prescriptions, and picks up all the things for the school party. We are praised for being selfless, for doing it all, for holding it all together with a smile on our face. And when we can’t, we don’t question the size of the load. We question ourselves.

If you’ve ever thought I should be able to handle this, or other people do it, why can’t I? That’s not personal. That’s totally socialized programming. So, when you add, take care of my health to an already overflowing plate, it doesn’t work. Because let’s be honest, your plate [00:07:00] isn’t just full. It’s like completely overflowing with responsibilities and to-do lists and everything that you have to give to other people.

You’ve got aging parents, teenagers, work demands, that doctor’s appointment that you keep meaning to reschedule. Group texts to respond to, groceries to buy, a dog that needs walking, a house that needs cleaning. And a partner who God love him somehow, cannot see the laundry basket right in front of his face.

And in the middle of that, you decide, ‘okay, this is it. I’m going to eat better. I’m gonna start exercising every day and I’m gonna take care of myself.’ So, you try to balance health on top of an already overflowing mountain of responsibilities. But health habits are delicate. They’re not ingrained. They’re more like a teacup. It’s fragile, especially when you’re [00:08:00] carrying too much.

So, when life gets chaotic and it will, your health is the very first thing to fall off. Not because you don’t care. Not because you’re not committed, but because you physically, mentally, and emotionally can’t keep it all going at once.

Here’s the truth. You’re not broken, you’re overburdened. You don’t need to try harder. You need to look at the structure, the expectations, the beliefs that say, you should be able to do it all. Because until we deal with those things, we will keep blaming ourselves for being inconsistent when really we’re just exhausted. Health can’t survive on a foundation that’s already crumbling and it shouldn’t have to.

So, let me tell you about my client, [00:09:00] Rebecca. When we first started working together, she told me that her biggest issue was her sleep. She was exhausted all the time. She’d wake up at three o’clock in the morning and her mind would just start spinning. Running through her to-do list, replaying conversations, worrying about things that quite honestly, she couldn’t control.

She tried everything. She tried melatonin, magnesium, herbal teas, sound machines. She even bought one of those weighted blankets that made her feel like she was trapped underneath her dogs. None of it worked. But as we talked more, it became clear that the issue wasn’t really sleep. The problem was that her brain wasn’t getting a break.

Her days were packed from the moment that she got up in the morning until the time that she went to bed. She had meetings, she had caregiving, she [00:10:00] had errands. She was answering emails after dinner. And then, she would crash into bed and expect her mind to just shut off like a switch.

So, we started a new habit. Before bed, she would spend 10 minutes doing what I call a ‘thought download.’ Just putting pen to paper, getting all of those swirling thoughts, worries, and feelings out of her head and onto the page. That was it. And within a few weeks, she was sleeping through the night more often than not.

Because the real problem wasn’t her sleep. It was her stress. Her nervous system needed a signal that it was safe to rest. When we try to fix the wrong thing, we spin in confusion. We spin in frustration. But when we solve the right thing, the real thing, change [00:11:00] gets easier because we’ve set ourselves up for success. Relief comes faster. It’s not magic, it’s just finally pointing your effort into the right direction.

So, what do you do instead? First, you stop judging and you start getting curious. Most of us have an automatic loop in our heads. Something doesn’t go to plan. You skip a workout. You overeat at dinner, you forget to pack a lunch. And the first thought is, ‘Ugh, what is wrong with me?’ But that question shuts everything else down. It’s a dead end.

Instead, you wanna try asking what actually got in the way. Why didn’t that happen? Like I thought it was. It seems like such a small shift, but it is everything. Maybe you missed your walk because you had back to back meetings and [00:12:00] didn’t eat enough throughout the day.

Maybe dinner turned into a binge because you were exhausted and the only time that you’ve had to yourself all day was standing alone in your kitchen at 9:00 PM. That’s not a character flaw. It’s a clue. Your inconsistency is trying to tell you something, not that you’re lazy, not that you don’t care. But that something underneath the way your time is structured, the way your stress builds up. The way that you always say, yes before thinking it through isn’t supporting the goals that you’ve set.

We chase new plans because they promise control. New workouts, new food rules, new apps. But if you’ve tried those a dozen times and nothing sticks, maybe the answer isn’t outside of you. Maybe it’s in the patterns that keep pulling you [00:13:00] off track.

So, instead of downloading another meal plan, start observing. Look at the days when you feel good. What made the difference? Look at the days, everything falls apart. What set that into motion? Now, this isn’t about blame, it’s about understanding and being able to connect the dots. And from that place, you can actually do something different. Curiosity is where change begins.

So, if you’re starting to think, okay, maybe the problem isn’t what I thought it was. You might be wondering, then where do I start? And so, that’s where the eight basic habits that healthy people do come in. These are the real habits, the real foundation of health that I use with every single one of my clients.

They’re not trendy, they’re not [00:14:00] sexy, but they’re not extreme either. And they’re definitely not the kind of habits that will blow up your calendar. But they do work because they meet you where you actually are. They’re simple things like getting good sleep. Eating meals that satisfy. Staying hydrated, moving your body in ways that actually feel doable.

We’re not talking about perfection here. We’re talking about support. These habits create the structure that you need to feel more grounded, more energized, more like you again. Because once you have a stable base, everything else becomes easier. You don’t have to rely on willpower. You don’t have to start over every Monday either. You just build one steady step at a time.

Now, if that sounds like a breath [00:15:00] of fresh air, I want you to go download the eight basic habits that healthy people do guide in checklist. It’s free, it’s easy to follow, and it’s the first step in rebuilding your health in a way that actually sticks. So, go to elizabeth sherman.com/habits, or you can grab it in the link in the show notes. Let’s stop spinning in circles and build something that lasts.

So, here’s what I want you to take away from today’s podcast episode. First, I’ve said it a couple times, but I’m gonna say it again. You are not lazy and you’re not weak. And you’re certainly not a lost cause. But you’ve been solving for the wrong thing. And when you’ve been told your whole entire life that you should be able to handle everything, it totally makes sense that you’d blame yourself when something slips through the cracks.

But that’s not the truth. You’re not failing, you’re just carrying too [00:16:00] much. So, let’s stop piling health goals on top of an already overflowing life. Let’s clear off some space. Let’s ask better questions. And let’s build habits that support you, that don’t punish you. And maybe, just maybe let’s all agree that cottage cheese was never meant to be ice cream.

Alright, that’s all I have for you today. Have an amazing day. And I will talk to you next time. Bye bye.