Total Health in Midlife Episode #214: Meeting Yourself Where You’re At

Have you ever felt like you’re constantly falling short of your health goals? Like no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to stick to that diet or exercise routine. If so, you’re not alone. And here’s the thing. The problem might not be you. It might be your approach.

In today’s episode, I’m going to uncover a game changing perspective that could transform your health journey. I’m exploring why those ‘SHOULDs’ in your head are holding you back, and why accepting where you are right now is the key to moving forward. You’ll learn why those aggressive goals that you’ve been setting might actually be sabotaging your progress. And how to set goals that actually work for you and your real life.

Plus, I’ll share a simple three step process that my clients use to build rock solid self-trust. If you’re tired of the cycle of high hopes and disappointment, you’re ready to make lasting changes without the guilt and self-criticism you won’t want to miss today’s episode. By the end, you’ll have practical tools to start making progress today, right where you are.

Let’s get started.

Welcome to Total Health and Midlife, the podcast for women embracing the pivotal transformation from the daily grind to the dawn of a new chapter. I’m Elizabeth, your host and fellow traveler on this journey.

As a Life and Health Coach, I am intimately familiar with the changes and challenges we face during this stage. Shifting careers, changing relationships, our new bodies, and redefining goals and needs as we start to look to the future and ask, what do I want?

In this podcast, we’ll explore physical, mental, and emotional wellness, offering insights and strategies to achieve optimal health through these transformative years.

Yes, it’s totally possible.

Join me in this amazing journey of body, mind, and spirit, where we’re not just improving our health, but transforming our entire lives.

Hey, everyone. Welcome to the Total Health and Midlife Podcast. I am your host, Elizabeth Sherman, and I want to thank you for tuning in today. I appreciate you for listening and sharing your thoughts. I love when you reach out to me on social media because your thoughts, your messages, your feedback. It helps me to create content that’s specifically tailored for your needs, what’s going on in your life, and what it is that you need.

So, today, we’re talking about meeting yourself where you are. Now, that might sound confusing, but stay with me. This concept is crucial for your health journey. It’s about accepting your current reality as the starting point for change.

Now, as a young personal trainer, I set unrealistic expectations for my clients back then. I based these goals on what I thought they should be able to do without actually considering their real life circumstances. When they didn’t meet these arbitrary standards, I felt disappointed in them. I was judgmental. Though, I hope I didn’t show it outwardly, I probably did though. I interpreted their ‘failure,’ I put that in quotes, as a lack of commitment when in reality, I had failed them by not considering what was going on in the rest of their lives.

And I see this same pattern in many women that I work with now. They set high expectations for themselves. Often based on outdated versions of themselves or societal standards. When they don’t meet these goals, they’re disappointed, which I get. They see it as a personal failure, not realizing that their goals might have been unrealistic from the start.

This cycle of unrealistic expectations and self-blame is quite honestly exhausting. It can hold you back from making real progress in your health. That’s why understanding how to meet yourself where you are is so incredibly important. It can help you break free from this cycle and start making sustainable progress.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re constantly falling short of your health goals, or if you’re tired of the cycle of motivation and disappointment, this episode will help. I’m going to explore this issue and offer you a new perspective that could make a significant difference in your approach to health.

So, let’s talk about the word, ‘should.’ It’s a small word, but it carries a lot of weight, especially when it comes to our health and fitness. How many times have you caught yourself thinking, I should be in better shape. Or I should be able to stick to this diet. These ‘should’ statements are everywhere in health and fitness.

We tell ourselves that we should want to exercise more, or we should enjoy eating salads. We should be able to resist that piece of cake. We should be able to do it all. Work, family, and still have time for a perfect workout routine and meal prep.

But here’s the thing, these ‘SHOULDs’ aren’t just harmless thoughts. They’re actually beliefs that profoundly impact how we approach our health. When we’re constantly telling ourselves what we should be doing or feeling, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment and frustration.

When you tell yourself that you should want to exercise, but you really don’t. What happens? You feel guilty, or you feel like there’s something wrong with you. Maybe you force yourself to go to the gym anyway, and you hate every minute of it. Maybe you don’t go at all, and then you feel even worse.

These ‘should’ beliefs create a cycle of negative emotions. We feel inadequate when we don’t live up to our ‘SHOULDs’ We might push ourselves too hard, trying to be the person that we think that we should be, instead of working with who we actually are right now.

This approach often leads to an all or nothing mentality. We think we should be able to follow a perfect diet. So, when we slip up, we give up entirely. We think we should be able to run a 5K. So, when we can’t, we decide that we’re just not a runner.

The problem is these ‘SHOULDs’ rarely take into account our current reality. They don’t consider our actual preferences, our current fitness level, our life circumstances, or the many demands on our time and energy.

By constantly focusing on what we think we should be doing, we miss the opportunity to explore what we could be doing that would actually work for us. We overlook the small, sustainable changes that we could make because we’re too focused on these grand, often unrealistic expectations.

So, the next time you catch yourself using ‘should’ in relation to your health, I want to invite you to pause. Ask yourself where that should is coming from. Is it based on your current reality, or is it an expectation that you’ve picked up from somewhere else? By questioning these ‘SHOULDs’, we can start to break free from their grip and find a more realistic, compassionate approach to our health.

So, let’s talk a little bit about expectations, where they come from, and how they impact us. A conversation that I had with a friend who’s a parenting coach really shed some light on this. She pointed out how parents often forget that their children don’t have the same reasoning capacity predicting the future or using logic that adults do.

Yet, they place adult level expectations on their kids. This isn’t just about parenting, though. It’s about the expectations that we carry with us into adulthood, many of which were formed when we were children.

How many of your current expectations about your health, your body, or what you should be capable of come from messages that you’ve received as a child? These expectations don’t just come from our parents. They come from our culture, from media, from our peers. We are bombarded with images of what health and fitness should look like.

Often, without any context of the real effort, time, and resources that go into achieving those results. As adults, we often set our expectations based on peak performance. Maybe how fit we were when we were in our 20s, or that one time that we stuck to a diet for a month. We forget that our circumstances have changed. That we have different responsibilities, different stressors, different bodies now than we did back then.

This leads us into a cycle. We set high, often unrealistic expectations. When we inevitably fall short, we see it as a personal failure. We criticize ourselves harshly. I should have tried harder. I’m just not disciplined enough. The self-criticism doesn’t motivate us to do better next time, though. And instead, it often leads us to giving up altogether.

We decide that we’re not cut out for this health and fitness thing. Or we swing to the other extreme, setting even higher expectations determined to prove ourselves. Either way, we’re not addressing the real issue. And that is that our expectations weren’t realistic in the first place. We’re not considering our current capabilities, our current life circumstances, or what’s actually achievable and sustainable for us right now.

This cycle is exhausting and demoralizing. And it chips away at our self-confidence and makes us less likely to try again in the future. It turns our health journey into a series of failures instead of a process of learning and growth.

Breaking this cycle starts with recognizing where our expectations come from and questioning whether they’re serving us. It’s about learning to set goals based on our current reality, not who we think that we should be. It’s about treating ourselves with the same compassion and understanding that we’d offer a friend or that we’d want a parent to offer a child.

So, let’s talk about the elephant in the room. The emotional pain and shame many of us feel about where we are in our current health journey. It’s tough to admit that we are not where we want to be, or where we think we should be. This pain can be intense. And it’s natural to want to escape it as quickly as possible.

That’s why we often set aggressive goals. We think that if I can just lose 50 pounds in three months, or if I can start exercising every single day, I’ll feel better about myself. We believe that the faster that we change, the less time we’ll spend feeling bad about ourselves.

But here’s the truth. We don’t actually need to be in emotional pain. We are where we are. And honestly, that’s okay. It’s not good or bad. It’s just our current reality. Many of my clients believe that having a harsh inner critic will motivate them to change. They think that if they accept where they are, that they’ll become complacent. They worry that they’ll believe their own excuses and never take action towards a better future.

I want to challenge that belief. We can do both. We can be honest with ourselves about our current situation and still want to improve. We can acknowledge that we haven’t exercised in three years or that we weigh more than we’d like. Or that we’re struggling to find motivation, and still have the desire to grow and do better.

We do this in other areas of our lives all the time. In our jobs, we can acknowledge our current skill level while still striving to improve. In our relationships, we can love our partner while still recognizing areas where the relationship could be stronger. Why should our approach to health be any different?

Accepting where you are doesn’t mean giving up on growth. It means starting from the place of truth. It means being kind to yourself while still holding space for change. It’s about saying, this is where I am right now, and that’s okay. Now, what small step can I take from here?

When we approach our health from this perspective, we open up possibilities. Instead of being paralyzed by shame or unrealistic expectations, we can focus on progress. We can celebrate small wins. We can learn from setbacks without beating ourselves up.

This honest assessment allows us to set realistic goals. It helps us to identify the true obstacles that we’re facing, rather than imagined ones. And it lets us tap into our real motivations, not just what we think should motivate us.

Most importantly, accepting where you are reduces stress. When we are constantly fighting against our current reality, we create internal conflict. This stress can actually make it harder to make healthy choices. By accepting where we are, we free up mental and emotional energy that we can then direct towards positive change.

Remember, your worth isn’t determined by your weight, your fitness level, or how many vegetables that you eat. You are valuable exactly as you are right now. And from this place of self-acceptance, you are in a much better position to make lasting, positive changes to your health.

So, let’s talk about setting goals. Not the intimidating, life changing kind, but the realistic, achievable ones that actually lead to change. Here’s something crucial to understand. Goals are just guesses. We don’t have a crystal ball to see into the future. We can’t predict with certainty what we’ll be able to achieve. But that’s okay.

The power is in making our best estimation and then being willing to adjust as we go. When setting goals, it’s essential to consider your current circumstances. What’s your schedule like? What are your energy levels? What other commitments do you have?

These aren’t excuses. They’re real factors that influence what you can realistically accomplish. Start by looking at what you’re doing now. If you’re not exercising at all, don’t set a goal to work out for an hour every day. Maybe start with ten minutes, three times a week. If you’re eating fast food for every meal, don’t expect to switch to all home cooked meals overnight. Perhaps begin by cooking one meal per week.

The key is to make these goals small and achievable. Why? Because every time you achieve a goal, you build self-trust. You prove to yourself that you can do what you set out to do. This creates positive momentum. Keep in mind that this is an iterative process. You set a goal, you try it out for a week or two, and then you reassess.

Was it too easy? Well, if so, make it a little bit harder next time. Was it too difficult? Okay, we’ll scale it back. There’s no shame in adjusting. In fact, it’s a crucial part of the process. This approach allows for flexibility because life happens. Some weeks, you might have more time and energy for health goals. Other weeks, just maintaining might be a win.

By setting realistic goals and being willing to adjust, you can keep moving forward no matter what life throws at you. Small, achievable goals might not feel as exciting as big, dramatic ones. But they’re much more likely to lead to lasting change. They allow you to build habits gradually, in a way that fits into your real life. And over time, these small changes add up to significant transformations.

Keep in mind that progress isn’t always linear. Some weeks, you’ll exceed your goals, and other weeks, you might fall short. That’s not failure. It’s valuable information. Use it to refine your approach and set better goals for the future.

By embracing this iterative process of setting realistic goals, trying them out, and adjusting as needed, you’re not just working towards better health. You’re building the skill of self-awareness and the ability to adapt. Skills that will serve you well in all areas of your life.

Let’s dive into the crucial skills of self-trust and self-compassion. And how they play an important role in your health journey. Self-trust and self-compassion aren’t traits that you’re born with. They’re skills that you can develop and practices that you can cultivate. I’ve talked about this on the podcast before, but it’s so important that it’s worth revisiting.

Let’s start with self-trust. When you trust yourself, you believe in your ability to follow through on the commitments that you make to yourself. This is crucial for any health journey. If you don’t trust yourself to stick to your goals, it’s hard to stay motivated.

I teach my clients a three step process for building self-trust. Step one is set yourself up for success. This means creating an environment and a plan that makes it easier to follow through on your commitments. It might involve meal prepping, laying out your workout clothes the night before, or scheduling your exercise time in your calendar.

Step two is then follow the plan. This is where you actually do what you said that you were going to do. Now, I’m not going to say it’s easy, but each time that you follow through, you build trust with yourself. And if you’ve done step number one, set yourself up for success, correctly, it shouldn’t be really super difficult.

Step three is don’t be a jerk to yourself. This is where self-compassion comes in. If you slip up, don’t beat yourself up and instead treat yourself with kindness and look for the lesson. Now, let’s talk about self-compassion.

Many people worry that if they’re compassionate with themselves, they’ll become complacent. But research actually shows the opposite is true. When we are kind to ourselves, we’re more likely to pick ourselves up after a setback and try again.

Practicing self-compassion doesn’t mean making excuses or letting yourself off the hook. It means treating yourself with the same kindness that you’d offer a good friend. If a friend told you that they skipped their workout, you probably wouldn’t call them lazy or worthless. You’d likely encourage them to try again tomorrow.

Self-compassion also involves recognizing that imperfection is part of the human experience. Everyone struggles sometimes. When you can acknowledge this, it becomes easier to move past a slip up without spiraling into negative self-talk.

As you practice self-trust and self-compassion, you’ll likely notice a positive cycle developing. When you trust yourself more, it’s easier to be compassionate when things don’t go as planned. And when you’re compassionate with yourself, it’s easier to get back on track and rebuild trust.

Keep in mind that building these skills takes time. You wouldn’t expect to master a new language overnight, and the same goes for self-trust and self-compassion. Be patient with yourself as you practice.

By cultivating self-trust and self-compassion, you’re not just supporting your health goals. You’re developing skills that will enhance every area of your life. You’re creating a foundation of self-respect and resilience that will serve you well, no matter what challenges you face.

So, let’s talk a little bit about setbacks. Setbacks are a normal part of any journey, especially when it comes to health. But too often, we view these setbacks as failures, and we beat ourselves up and potentially derail our progress.

What if we could change that perspective? Instead of seeing setbacks as failures, let’s reframe them as learning opportunities. Every time something doesn’t go as planned, it’s a chance to gather information and improve our approach.

Say, you plan to exercise three times this week, but you only managed once. Instead of labeling this as a failure, ask yourself. What can I learn from this? Maybe you scheduled your workouts at times that didn’t really work for you. Or perhaps you didn’t get enough sleep, leaving you too tired to exercise. These aren’t failures. They’re valuable insights.

The key is to analyze these setbacks without self-judgment. This isn’t about assigning blame or criticizing yourself. It’s about gathering information objectively. Think of yourself as a scientist observing an experiment. What factors influenced the outcome? What could be adjusted better for results next time?

Here’s a simple process that you can use. First, describe what happened without judgment. Just state the facts. Identify any external factors that contributed. Was your schedule unusually busy? Did you have an unexpected event?

Third, consider internal factors. How were you feeling physically and emotionally? This one is a big one. And then fourth, think about what you could do differently next time. Maybe you need to adjust your goals, change your approach, or put additional support systems in place.

This process isn’t about making excuses. It’s about understanding the reality of your situation so that you can make better plans moving forward. By approaching setbacks this way, you turn them from discouraging events into valuable learning experiences. And over time, you’ll get better at anticipating challenges and developing strategies to overcome them.

So, this approach helps to build resilience. When you see setbacks as opportunities rather than failures, you’re more likely to keep going. You develop the ability to bounce back, to adjust your course rather than giving up entirely. And learning from setbacks is a skill, and like any skill, it improves with practice. The more you do it, the more natural it becomes.

Eventually, you might even start to welcome challenges as chances to learn and grow. Remember that progress isn’t about perfection. It’s about consistently learning, adjusting, and moving forward. And so, by reframing setbacks as learning opportunities, you’re setting yourself up for long term success in your health journey.

Now, while it’s possible to navigate this journey on your own, having a coach can make a significant difference. A coach provides an outside perspective, one that’s not clouded by your own self-doubt or ingrained patterns of thinking. We often can’t see our own blind spots, but a coach can help illuminate them.

A coach can help you recognize those ‘should’ statements that I talked about earlier. Challenge unrealistic expectations and identify patterns that you might not have noticed on your own. Coaching also offers support and accountability. When you’re trying to make changes, having someone in your corner can be incredibly motivating.

A coach can celebrate your successes with you, no matter how small they might seem. And help you navigate setbacks without losing momentum. But perhaps most importantly, a coach can help you tailor your approach to your unique circumstances. They can help you set those realistic, achievable goals that I discussed earlier, and adjust them as needed based on your progress and life events.

I’ve seen this play out time and time again with my clients and myself. For example, I worked with a client who was frustrated because she wasn’t following through on her workout goals. Then, she was beating herself up when she wasn’t doing it.

Through our coaching sessions, we figured out that the time of day that she had set aside for exercise just didn’t work with her energy levels. She was trying to get herself to exercise at a time of day when it just didn’t work for her schedule. We moved her planned time and downgraded her goal to see if that actually worked better. And it did.

As she consistently met this goal, her self-trust grew. And she was able to gradually increase her workouts and her time. More importantly, she learned to be compassionate with herself, and really understand why she wasn’t following through.

Another client of mine struggled with the ‘all or nothing’ thinking around her diet. She would try to overhaul her entire way of eating overnight, inevitably fail, and then give up completely.

Through our work together, she learned to make small, sustainable changes. We started with just adding an extra serving of vegetables to one meal per day. And then, over time, these small changes added up to significant improvements in her diet without the stress and self-judgment that she had experienced before.

Coaching isn’t about having someone tell you what to do. It’s about having a partner in your health journey. Someone to guide you, support you, and help you develop the skills of self-trust and self-compassion. It’s about learning to meet yourself where you are and moving forward from there.

Now, that we’ve talked about the importance of meeting yourself where you are, let’s discuss some practical steps that you can take to start implementing this approach in your own life.

First, try a simple self-assessment exercise. Take a piece of paper and write down your current habits in the areas of nutrition, exercise, sleep, and stress management. Be honest and non-judgmental. This isn’t about what you think you should be doing, but rather what you’re actually doing right now.

Next, choose one of the areas that you’d like to improve. Remember, we’re starting small here. Maybe it’s adding a serving of vegetables to your day or just a half or going for a 10 minute walk three times a week. Whatever it is, make sure it’s something that feels doable given your current circumstances.

Once you’ve chosen your focus area, then set a small, achievable goal. Be specific about what you’ll do and when. For example, I’ll add a serving of vegetables to my lunch on weekdays. Or I’ll go for a 10 minute walk on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday after dinner.

Now, here’s where many people go wrong. They’ll stop at setting the goal. But we’re going to take it one step further. Think about potential obstacles that might get in your way. What might prevent you from achieving this goal?

Once you’ve identified these obstacles, brainstorm solutions. If time is an issue for adding vegetables, maybe you can precut veggies on the weekend. Or if weather might interfere with your walk, do you have an indoor backup plan?

Another helpful exercise is to practice self-compassionate self-talk. When you notice yourself using ‘should’ statements or being overly critical. Pause. Try rephrasing your thoughts in a more compassionate way. Instead of, I should be able to resist these snacks; try, it’s normal to crave snacks sometimes because it is.

What nutritious options do I have available to me? The goal here isn’t to overhaul your entire life overnight. It’s to start where you are and make small, sustainable changes. Each small success builds on your self-trust and creates momentum for further changes.

I want to encourage you to start today. Choose one small thing that you can do this week to move towards better health. Something that meets you exactly where you are right now. It might feel insignificant, but I promise you, these small steps add up over time.

And most importantly, be patient and kind to yourself in this process. Change doesn’t happen overnight. It’s okay if you slip up or if progress feels slow. What matters is that you keep showing up for yourself day after day, exactly as you are.

Remember, you don’t have to be perfect to make progress. You just have to be willing to start where you are, take small steps forward, and learn as you go. You’ve got this. And you don’t know this, but I’m here cheering you on every step of the way.

So, as I wrap up today’s episode, I want to recap the key points that I’ve covered. I’ve talked about the importance of meeting yourself where you are, letting go of unrealistic ‘SHOULDs’, and setting achievable goals based on your current reality. I’ve discussed how building self-trust and practicing self-compassion are crucial skills in your journey.

And how setbacks can be valuable learning opportunities rather than failures. Your health journey is unique to you. It’s not about comparing yourself to others or living up to some idealized standard. It’s about making progress from where you are right now, no matter where that is.

If you found value in today’s episode, I want to invite you to take action. Start by choosing one small, achievable goal for the week. Something that meets you exactly where you are. And if you want support on this journey, consider reaching out for coaching with me. Having someone in your corner can make a world of difference. Go to elizabethsherman.com/call and I will put that in the show notes as well.

I would love to hear from you. Share your thoughts, your experiences, or your questions on social media. Your insights not only help me to create content that serves you better, but they also inspire and encourage others in the community.

So, thank you for tuning in to the Total Health in Midlife podcast. Remember that you are capable of making positive changes, starting right where you are. That’s all I have for you today. Have an amazing week. And I will talk to you next time. Bye-bye.

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