Total Health in Midlife Episode #218: How to Get Back on Track

How many times have you told yourself this time I’m going to stick with it only to fall off the tracks again? And when it happens, you feel frustrated, ashamed, and maybe a little bit hopeless. Like why do I keep doing this to myself?

Here’s the truth that no one tells you. Relapse isn’t proof that you failed. It’s not even a bad thing. It’s actually part of the process. The real problem is what happens next. Do you let one slip up, spiral into weeks or months of feeling stuck? Or do you know how to get back on track without the guilt, without the self-sabotage, and without waiting until Monday to start over?

So, in today’s episode, we are talking about the one thing that separates people who succeed from those who stay stuck. And it’s probably not what you think. If you’ve ever felt like you just need more willpower or discipline to finally make your habits stick, this episode is going to change the way that you see relapse forever. Because if you don’t understand this, you are going to keep repeating the same cycle.

So, let’s break that cycle right now.

Welcome to Total Health and Midlife, the podcast for women embracing the pivotal transformation from the daily grind to the dawn of a new chapter. I’m Elizabeth, your host and fellow traveler on this journey.

As a Life and Health Coach, I am intimately familiar with the changes and challenges we face during this stage. Shifting careers, changing relationships, our new bodies, and redefining goals and needs as we start to look to the future and ask, what do I want?

In this podcast, we’ll explore physical, mental, and emotional wellness, offering insights and strategies to achieve optimal health through these transformative years.

Yes, it’s totally possible.

Join me in this amazing journey of body, mind, and spirit, where we’re not just improving our health, but transforming our entire lives.

Hey everyone, welcome to the Total Health in Midlife podcast. I’m Elizabeth Sherman, your host, and I am pleased as punch that you are here today and spending some time with me. So, let’s get honest. We’ve all had that moment. You start out strong, you feel motivated, and you’re totally ready to take charge of your health.

You plan out your workouts, you stock up your fridge with healthy food, you identify all your recipes, you set your alarm to get up early, and you tell yourself, ‘this time it’s going to be different.’ And you do it for a while, and it seems like it’s taking hold. And then, life happens.

You miss a workout. You grab takeout because you’re exhausted. And then, everything kind of falls apart, the wheels come off, and all of that momentum is gone. You’re back to square one, you’re feeling stuck and frustrated.

So, here’s the thing. Slipping up is not the problem. It’s staying stuck that keeps you from making forward progress. Now, most of us think that relapse, going back to what you did before, is proof that you’re not cut out for this or that you failed.

But what if, that’s actually not even true. What if Relapse is actually part of the process, and it’s actually a normal stage of change that everyone actually goes through? It’s not a sign of weakness, it’s just a red light, a pause. But if you treat it like a dead end, you’ll never get to where you want to go. Trust me, I’ve been there.

Years ago, I was caught in the same cycle. Starting over every Monday, doing the restrict binge regret cycle, feeling ashamed that I couldn’t just get it right. And I remember staring at the floor of my kitchen surrounded by candy, wondering why I kept messing up when I knew better. It wasn’t about willpower. It was about understanding why I got stuck in the first place.

And that’s what we’re going to explore today. Not the usual tips and tricks, but the real reason you fall off track, and then how you can shift your mindset so that relapse isn’t the end of your journey, but rather just like a little blip, a bump in the road.

So, we’ve all been sold a lie about habit change. Somewhere along the way, we picked up this idea that once we start something, whether it’s eating healthier, exercising, or going to bed at a specific time, that we should be able to keep going perfectly. And who hasn’t heard that it only takes 21 days to adopt a habit. And after those 21 days, we assume that there shouldn’t be any slip ups, no off days, just a straight shot to success, right?

But that’s not how change works. Real change is messy. It’s unpredictable. And if you expect perfection, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Because here’s the truth. Relapse isn’t a failure. It’s actually a stage of change.

There’s this model in psychology that explains it. It’s called ‘the stages of change model.’ And it breaks down how we move from thinking about change to actually making it stick, to actually implementing the change. Now, first thing you need to know, is that it’s not linear. You don’t just decide to start, and then magically keep going forever.

Instead, change happens in phases. First, there’s pre contemplation. So, this is where you’re not even thinking about making a change yet. Okay? Then, stage number two is called contemplation. Now, this is where you start to realize that you might want to make a change.

So, you’re starting to think about, is this something that I want to do? Is it not something that I want to do? Maybe you got introduced to it because a friend or a partner is starting to change their habits.

Then, stage three is called ‘preparation.’ Now, this is where you’re planning and you’re getting ready to take action. I lived in Austin, Texas for 18 years. And if you’re a Texan, this is where you’re fixing to. Okay. So, you’re just planning all of your meal prep, you’re researching recipes, you’re researching gyms, you’re trying to figure out what’s going to work best for you.

Now, after you go from preparation, then you move into action. Action is where you actually start to do the thing, okay? Now, preparation can often feel like you’re doing something. But quite often, you’re not. Action, moving from preparation into action is actually really difficult because it actually takes effort. Now, after action, there’s maintenance, and that’s where habit becomes natural over time.

And then, the last stage of change is called ‘relapse.’ Yes, relapse is actually part of this model. So, it’s not a fluke. It’s not a personal failure. It’s normal and it’s expected as part of the change process. This means that slipping up doesn’t mean that you’re broken. It doesn’t mean that you lack discipline. It just means that you are a human being.

The real issue isn’t that you fall off track, it’s what happens after you do fall off track. So, do you use that moment as proof that you’ll never get it right? Do you let one bad choice spiral into a full blown backslide? Do you tell yourself, ‘I knew I’d fail, I might as well give up?’ Or do you see relapse for what it actually is? A momentary pause, a red light, and not a dead end.

That’s what separates people who succeed, who are successful from ones who stay stuck and can’t get over that hump. It’s not that they never relapse, it’s that they don’t stay in that place. So, if you keep expecting yourself to be perfect, you’re always going to feel like a failure.

But If you expect relapse and have a plan for what to do next, you take away its power. The real question isn’t, how do I stop failing? It’s how do I stop letting failure keep me stuck?

Now, I want you to imagine that you’re in your car. You’re driving to a new destination. You plug in your address into your GPS or Waze, and you start your car. And you head out. You hit a red light, or you hit construction.

Do you slam on the brakes, throw your hands up, and then turn around because the trip is completely ruined? Of course, you don’t. You wait. You figure out the detour. The light turns green, you keep going.

But when it comes to health habits, we don’t treat setbacks the same way. We act like hitting a detour or a red light. Which would be similar to missing a workout, eating off plan, or skipping one of the habits that you’re trying to build is proof that we’re just not meant to do it. That’s how people get stuck.

Relapse isn’t a dead end. It’s just a pause, a red light, a detour. And just like in driving, red lights aren’t a mistake. They’re part of the process. The reason relapse feels so awful isn’t the relapse itself. It’s what we make it mean. Most people don’t just slip up. They spiral.

One missed workout turns into a week. One off plan meal becomes a weekend free for all. And then, the shame sets in. ‘Oh, I messed up. I’ll never get this right. I may as well just quit.’ That’s the real problem, not relapse. The story we tell ourselves about relapse.

If you’re building any new habit, relapse is inevitable. No one does this perfectly right out of the gate. Even the healthiest, most consistent people that you know, they miss workouts. They eat things that don’t make them feel great. They have days when they just don’t feel motivated. I know that I do.

The difference is that they don’t let those moments define them. They don’t waste time punishing themselves or waiting until Monday to start over. They recognize relapse as a moment, not a verdict. And then, they do the thing that matters most. They just keep going and get back into action.

So, instead of beating yourself up for falling off track, I’d like to invite you to ask yourself, What happens when I relapse? What happens when I make that first mistake? Do I let it spiral? Or do I regroup and talk myself through it and keep going? How long do I stay stuck before I move back into action again? And why is it that amount of time?

Because the faster that you can shift from, ‘Oh, I really messed up, to Okay, what’s next? What do I need to do?’ The easier this process gets. Ideally, the goal is, is that you go out for ice cream, and you’re like, ‘oh my god, that was delicious.’ Right?

The difference between the version of you who sees that ice cream as being messed up, and the version of you who eats the ice cream and gets back on plan is how we look at the ice cream. The goal isn’t to never relapse. That’s impossible. The goal is to make relapse just a bump in the road, a blip, not the end of the journey.

Now, frustration is the moment when most of us quit. Not because they can’t succeed, but because they don’t know what to do with that feeling of frustration. You know what to do. You’ve read the books, you’ve listened to the podcasts, maybe you’ve even worked with a coach, but actually doing it consistently can feel impossible. You get stuck in the gap between knowing and mastering, and that gap, it’s completely uncomfortable.

Now, this is what’s called the frustration gap. That space between understanding something, logically, and being able to execute it, effortlessly. And here’s what I’ve realized. Frustration isn’t proof that you’re failing. It’s proof that you’re learning that you’re trying, that you’re applying what you’re trying to do.

So, for years, I thought frustration meant that I wasn’t good enough. That if I really wanted to be healthy, I wouldn’t struggle. That I’d get it right the first time. That I’d naturally be disciplined. But that’s not how it works.

Think about strength training. If your muscles aren’t tired by the end of a workout, they’re not growing. The discomfort is necessary for building strength. The same thing is true for habit change.

Frustration is the tension between where you are and where you want to be. It’s your brain recognizing a gap and pushing to close it. That’s not failure, it’s progress. It’s showing you what you want. But when we don’t recognize frustration as part of the process, we misinterpret it.

We think, why is this so hard? Why can’t I just do it? Maybe I’m just not meant to succeed at this. And that’s where people stop. But what if, frustration was a sign that you’re actually on the right path. What if, instead of seeing it as a roadblock, you saw it as proof that you’re actually getting stronger?

The next time you feel frustrated, instead of shutting down, try this. First, notice it. I feel frustrated because I’m learning something new. Then, name the gap. What do I not know yet? What skill am I still trying to build? And then third, keep going. The more I practice, the easier this will get.

I’ve started doing this myself. And it’s completely changed how I handle frustration. So, instead of letting it be the reason I quit, I let it be a reminder that I’m in the middle of growing. So, if you’re frustrated right now, good. That means that you’re getting stronger.

Have you ever found yourself elbow deep in a bag of chips or skipping a workout you swore you’d do? And then, later, you have no idea, why you did it. You had a plan, you wanted to stick with it, and yet somehow you didn’t.

Most people assume this means that they lack willpower. That if they really wanted it badly enough, they’d be able to power through. That’s not how behavior change works. We don’t act based on logic. We actually act based on our emotional state. And here’s what trips people up.

Most of the time, we don’t even realize which emotion is driving us. There’s a tool that I use when I’m coaching my clients, and it’s based in the concept of psychology called the ‘Think Feel Act Cycle.’ And it explains exactly why we do the things that, quite frankly, don’t make sense.

First, a thought happens. Like, this is too hard. Then, that thought creates a feeling. So, when I think, this is too hard, I get frustrated, I feel stress, or I might feel overwhelmed. Those feelings drive an action, a doing, or a not doing.

So, when I feel frustrated, stressed, or overwhelmed, I might skip the gym. I might overeat. Or I might scroll for hours instead of going to bed. We act based on how we feel in the moment. The reason that this is so important to understand is because when you ask yourself, why did I do that? Your brain is going to make up a story, and it’s usually not a truthful one.

Your brain is going to say, ‘Well, I don’t know. I must just be lazy. Or I must just not be disciplined enough. I must not want this badly enough. I just don’t have any discipline.’ None of those are true. What’s actually happening is that your brain expected one thing. It expected it to be easy. It expected you to feel motivated.

But reality delivered something else. You expected to go to the party and not be tempted by the food or the festivities. You didn’t expect to feel awkward when you got there. And when that awkwardness hit, you reached for food to give your hands something to do. To ease the awkwardness and to fit in with the other people at the party.

You expected to get up early and work out. You didn’t expect to feel resentful about how little sleep you got. And when that resentment hit, you turned off the alarm and skipped the gym. We don’t plan for emotions. We think that we’ll just stick to the plan.

But when emotions show up, unexpectedly, wanting to belong, feeling awkward, desire, stress. We follow the feeling instead because we are, as humans, emotional beings.

So, the next time you go off plan, don’t ask, what’s wrong with me? Ask, what was I feeling right before that choice? That’s where the real answer is. The difference between success and staying stuck isn’t avoiding relapse. It’s about how quickly you get back into action.

Think about it this way. Two versions of you eat ice cream. One version enjoys it, moves on, and goes right back to normal eating the next day. The other eats the ice cream, feels guilty about it, says, ‘oh, I wasn’t perfect.’ And then, spends the next week overeating, skipping workouts, and feeling like a failure because she screwed up.

It’s not the ice cream that changed anything. It’s the story that we tell ourselves about the ice cream. This is where so many people get stuck. They believe a single misstep ruins everything. So, instead of getting back on track, they stay stuck in shame.

But here’s something that I ask my clients all the time. What would you say to someone that you love? If your best friend told you, I ate off plan and I’m a failure. You wouldn’t tell her to give up. You wouldn’t be like, ‘oh, well, let’s go eat some ice cream.’

You would tell her that she should start over at the next meal. You tell her that it’s just one choice. That it doesn’t define her, that she can make her next decision a good one. So, why would you even say that to yourself?

Because people who succeed at this, they aren’t perfect. They just don’t let one moment turn into a full blown backslide. And neither do you. If you take nothing else from today’s episode, remember this. Relapse isn’t the end. It’s just a step in the process. You don’t have to be perfect to succeed. You just have to stop staying stuck.

Because that’s the real choice here. Not whether you’ll ever slip up again. Because quite honestly, you will. But how long you’re willing to let it keep you from moving forward. You already know what to do. You’ve tried. You’ve started and stopped. And if you’re listening to this thinking, yeah, I keep getting stuck in the same cycle. Then, it’s time to do something different.

If you’re in the ‘I know what to do, I’m just not doing it loop,’ let’s talk. Let’s get you out of your own way and back into action. Book an ‘I Know What to Do, I’m just Not Doing It,’ strategy call with me today. And that link is in the show notes. Or you can go directly to elizabethsherman.com/call. Because staying stuck, that’s a choice. And you don’t have to keep making it. Okay, that’s all I have for you today. Have an amazing day and I will talk to you next time. Bye-bye.

Thank you for tuning in today. Now, if you enjoy the podcast and are ready to take the next step in addressing your health concerns, I would love to invite you to schedule an I Know What To Do, I’m Just Not Doing It strategy call.

In this 60 minute session, we will explore what’s holding you back and create a personalized action plan. You will gain clarity, support, and practical steps to move you forward. Visit elizabethsherman.com/call to book your call now. You can transform your health and I would love to be there to help.