Total Health in Midlife Episode #192: Breaking Free from the Comfort Trap

What if I told you that the key to unlocking your best life, your healthiest body, and your most fulfilling relationships is something that you’ve probably been avoiding most of your life? What if the very thing that you’ve been running from is actually the gateway to achieving everything that you’ve ever wanted?

So, I’m talking about discomfort. Yeah, I know, no one likes to be uncomfortable. It’s the feeling you get when you’re trying something new, when you’re standing up for yourself, or when you’re resisting going for that second cookie. The discomfort that you feel honestly, isn’t your enemy. It’s actually what’s going to get you to your goal.

In today’s episode, I’m going to reveal why embracing discomfort could be the game changer that you’ve been searching for. You’ll discover why your attempts to get healthy, lose weight, or change your habits might be falling flat. And quite honestly, it’s not because you’re lazy. or you lack willpower.

I will share real life examples, my own stories, and stories of women just like you who’ve used this counterintuitive approach to transform their lives. And I’ll give you practical strategies to start using discomfort to your advantage starting today.

If you’re tired of feeling stuck, if you’re ready to break free from old patterns and step into the vibrant, healthy life that you deserve. Then, you really can’t afford to miss this episode. Stay tuned because we’re about to flip everything that you thought you knew about comfort and success on its head.

Welcome to Total Health and Midlife, the podcast for women embracing the pivotal transformation from the daily grind to the dawn of a new chapter. I’m Elizabeth, your host and fellow traveler on this journey.

As a Life and Health Coach, I am intimately familiar with the changes and challenges we face during this stage. Shifting careers, changing relationships, our new bodies, and redefining goals and needs as we start to look to the future and ask, what do I want?

In this podcast, we’ll explore physical, mental, and emotional wellness, offering insights and strategies to achieve optimal health through these transformative years.

Yes, it’s totally possible.

Join me in this amazing journey of body, mind, and spirit, where we’re not just improving our health, but transforming our entire lives.

Hey everyone, welcome to the Total Health in Midlife podcast. I am your host, Elizabeth Sherman. And today, I am talking about a topic that might make you feel a little bit uncomfortable. But don’t worry, that’s exactly the point.

Now, as Americans, we are experts at avoiding discomfort. We live in a climate controlled the environment from our homes to our cars, to our offices. We shy away from confrontation and disagreement, and we’re always aiming to keep things nice and pleasant. But in our quest for constant comfort, we often find ourselves trapped in situations that quite honestly, we don’t want to be in.

So, think about it. Like how many times have you given into your kid because you wanted them to stop bothering you. Or stayed at a party way too late because you just didn’t want to be rude or bear the discomfort of telling the host that you are leaving.

By constantly avoiding discomfort, we’re actually shrinking our world and limiting our experiences. But here’s the thing, on the other side of comfort is often the very pleasure and growth that we’re seeking.

I remember when I first started my health journey. The thought of exercising regularly was so incredibly uncomfortable. But by pushing through that initial discomfort, I discovered a strength and a capability that quite honestly, I never knew that I had.

So, today, we’re going to explore why embracing discomfort might just be the key to living a fuller, more satisfying life. And so, when we talk about discomfort, it’s important to recognize that it comes in various forms. Of course, there’s physical discomfort, like the ache in your muscles after a workout, or the gnawing feeling of cravings when you’re trying to eat healthier.

But then, there’s also emotional discomfort. And that’s like the shame of feeling out of shape when you start working out again. And we can’t let go of mental discomfort, like the frustration of learning a new skill, or the challenge of changing long held beliefs.

Now, as humans, we’re naturally wired to avoid discomfort. And this isn’t a flaw. It’s actually an evolutionary feature designed to keep us safe and conserve energy. So, psychologists refer to this as the motivational triad.

We are programmed as humans to seek pleasure, to avoid pain, and to do it as efficiently as possible. So, this motivation served our ancestors really well when survival was the primary goal. But in our modern world, it can sometimes hold us back from growth and what it is that we want in life.

So, here’s where things get interesting, and a bit paradoxical. While we’re designed to avoid discomfort, we’re also wired for connection and belonging. We have a deep seated need to be seen, to be loved, and to be accepted. And in our culture, much of this plays out around food. So, we connect, we celebrate, and we bond over meals.

This creates a challenging situation when we’re trying to make healthier choices. Let’s say that you’re at a party and you’re committed to eating on your new plan. The spread at this party is full of foods that you’ve already decided, before walking into the party to avoid. And the things that are on your plan are nowhere to be seen.

At this moment, you are faced with a choice. You can either stick to your plan, not eat, and risk feeling disconnected, or you can join in on the fun and feel that sense of belonging. Like you’re doing the same thing that everyone else is. The discomfort of saying no to foods that you desire or explaining your choices can feel overwhelming.

Notice that it’s not just about the food. It’s about feeling part of the group. And this is the paradox of seeking comfort. In trying to avoid the immediate discomfort of saying no or being different, we often create longer term discomfort for ourselves. So, we abandon our goals, and then we feel guilty or disappointed later. We prioritize short term social comfort over long term personal satisfaction.

And so, understanding this paradox is crucial. It helps us to recognize that sometimes choosing short term discomfort like sticking to our food choices even when it’s socially awkward can lead to greater comfort and satisfaction in the long run. It’s about expanding our capacity to tolerate discomfort in service of our bigger goals and our values.

Let’s talk first about emotional discomfort. Those not great, uneasy feelings that we encounter daily, but often try to ignore or push away. These emotions aren’t just minor inconveniences, they’re powerful guides that help shape our choices and behaviors in ways that most of us don’t even realize.

Think about the last time that you were out to dinner where everyone was indulging in food and drinks, and you were trying to avoid them. Did you feel that little twinge of discomfort? That’s emotional discomfort at work. It might manifest as fear of missing out, about worrying what other people think, or anxiety about not fitting in.

Or you might consider a time when you had to make a tough decision about your health or lifestyle. Maybe it was choosing between going to the gym or accepting that last minute dinner invitation from some friends. The emotional discomfort of potentially disappointing others or missing out on social connections can really feel intense.

These moments of emotional discomfort often lead us to make choices that don’t align with our long term goals. We say yes when we want to say no. We indulge in that extra glass of wine or piece of cake to ease the social awkwardness. We skip the workout because the couch feels so much more inviting after a long stressful day.

Now, here’s the kicker. Many of us have developed habits to alleviate this emotional discomfort. Often, without even realizing it. We turn to what I call numbing and self-soothing behaviors. And so, these self-soothing behaviors might include overeating, especially comfort foods, binge watching Netflix or other streaming services, endless scrolling on social media, avoiding exercise or physical activity, or overdrinking alcohol.

These behaviors provide a quick fix and temporary escape from the discomfort. They give us a brief hit of pleasure or distraction. But here’s the problem. While they might make us feel better in the moment, or distract us, they often leave us feeling worse in the long run. We wake up the next day feeling guilty, feeling sluggish, or feeling disappointed in ourselves.

Understanding this cycle is crucial. When we recognize that our choices are often driven by a desire to escape emotional discomfort, we can start to make more conscious decisions. We can learn to sit with the discomfort, to observe it without immediately having to react to it. This awareness is the first step towards making choices that truly serve our long term health and goals, rather than just providing momentary relief.

When we consistently avoid discomfort, we’re often making a tradeoff that we’re not fully aware of. We’re choosing long term relief at the expense of long term growth, fulfillment, and life experiences. It’s like we’re constantly making withdrawals from our future selves to pay for momentary ease.

So, let me illustrate this with some real life examples. Imagine that you’ve been invited to a beach day with your family. Now, the thought of wearing a bathing suit kind of makes you cringe. So, either you make up an excuse and stay home, or you dress in your street clothes with no intention of going anywhere near the beach or the water.

In the short term, you’ve avoided the discomfort of feeling self-conscious. But what’s the cost? The joy of playing in the waves with your family, the sharing of an amazing day and being present, and the memories that could be made if you were there, like fully there.

You’ve traded a day of potential happiness for the avoidance of temporary discomfort. Or consider a scenario where your girlfriends are planning a trip to Costa Rica, complete with a zipline tour through the rainforest. Now, the idea of that terrifies you. What if you fall? What if you look foolish?

So, you opt out. You’ve avoided the fear and anxiety, sure. But you’ve also missed out on an exhilarating experience, the chance to overcome a fear, and the opportunity to create lasting bonds with your girlfriends.

In my podcast episode, “The Best Supporting Actress of Your Life,” it’s episode number 127. I talk about how we can become so focused on avoiding discomfort that we shrink ourselves. Becoming mere supporting characters in our own lives. We stop taking up space. We stop allowing ourselves to be seen. And in doing so, we stop living a full life.

This avoidance doesn’t just limit our experiences, it stunts our personal growth. And every time we choose comfort over challenge, we are passing up an opportunity to learn, to expand our capabilities, to become more resilient. We’re telling ourselves that we can’t handle discomfort, reinforcing the narrative of limitation rather than possibility.

Moreover, this pattern of avoidance can snowball. The more we avoid, the more things become uncomfortable. And then, suddenly, activities that once seemed manageable, now feel overwhelming. Our world gets smaller and smaller as we try to stay within the bounds of what feels safe and comfortable.

The hidden cost of avoiding discomfort is a life half lived. It’s missed adventures, unexplored potential, and relationships that never deepened. It’s the regret of looking back and wondering, what if I had just taken that chance?

Recognizing these costs is the first step towards the change. It’s about understanding that while discomfort might be unpleasant in the moment, it’s often the gateway to the life and results that we truly want.

What if we changed our story about discomfort? What if Instead of viewing it as something to avoid, we saw it as the method to get what it is that we truly want. This shift in perspective can be huge. Consider discomfort as a kind of growing pain. Just as a child’s body aches as it stretches and develops, our minds and spirit experience discomfort as we expand our capabilities and push our boundaries.

This discomfort isn’t a warning to stop. It’s a signal that we’re on to something new and potentially amazing. Personal development rarely happens in our comfort zone. It’s in those moments of struggle, uncertainty, and yes, discomfort that we truly evolve and grow.

Think about any skill that you’ve mastered, any personal breakthrough that you’ve had. And chances are it didn’t come easily. It likely involved some degree of discomfort. Whether that was the frustration of not getting it right at first, the vulnerability of trying something new, or the fear of potential failure.

Here’s a personal example. When I started this podcast, I was riddled with doubt and fear. I mean, who is I to have a podcast? Who would want to listen to me? What if I ran out of things to say? The discomfort was real and intense. But here I am, 200 episodes in, and I haven’t run out of things to say yet. The podcast is thriving, reaching tens of thousands of women and helping them on their health journeys.

And by the way, if you have been listening to the podcast and enjoying it. I would be so incredibly grateful if you could leave a rating and review because it helps other women who need this information to find it more easily.

So, the process of learning to produce and publish episodes and then promote the podcast was full of discomfort. There were technical challenges and the vulnerability of putting my thoughts and voice out there. And then, of course, the fear of criticism or judgment. But by pushing through that discomfort, I’ve not only grown personally, but I’ve seen myself as capable and I’ve been able to impact so many lives positively. It’s an honor that you are choosing to spend your time with me

This is the power of reframing discomfort as a pathway to desired outcomes. When we embrace discomfort, we open ourselves up to new possibilities. We develop resilience, expand our skills, and often surprise ourselves with what we’re capable of achieving. The relationship between discomfort and personal development is symbiotic.

As we push ourselves to grow, we encounter discomfort. As we learn to navigate and embrace that discomfort, we grow even more. It’s a self-reinforcing cycle that can lead to incredible personal transformation.

So, I have an assignment for you. The next time that you feel that twinge of discomfort, whether it’s the nervousness before trying something new. The challenge of sticking to a health goal when it gets tough, or the uncertainty of putting yourself out there. I’m going to invite you to reframe it.

Instead of seeing it as a sign to stop or quit, view it as a way to get to your goal. Ask yourself, what could facing this discomfort lead to? What might I learn or achieve if I lean into this feeling instead of away from it?

The goal isn’t to seek out unnecessary suffering, but to recognize that some discomfort is not only inevitable, but it’s valuable on the path to becoming the person that you want to be. It’s about expanding your capacity to handle challenges, so that what once seemed impossible becomes achievable. And eventually, even somewhat comfortable.

Tolerating discomfort is not an innate talent. It’s a skill that can be developed and strengthened over time. Just like building physical strength through consistent exercise, we can build our discomfort muscle through regular practice and exposure. The key to building this tolerance lies in gradually exposing ourselves to slight, manageable levels of discomfort, and learning to sit with the associated feelings without immediately seeking relief.

This process, often called exposure therapy in psychology, helps us to rewire our brain’s response to discomfort. Making it less overwhelming over time. And eventually, somewhat immune to it. Let me share a few techniques for increasing your discomfort tolerance.

So, first, start small. Again, choose minor discomforts to practice with initially. This could be waiting an extra five minutes before checking your phone or taking a slightly cooler shower. Number two is mindful awareness. When facing discomfort, practice observing your feelings without judgment.

Notice the physical sensations and thoughts that arise. Like, oh, this is what awkwardness feels like. Feelings will not kill you. Sure, they’re uncomfortable, but you have a 100% success rate in experiencing them.

Three is reframe the experience. Instead of thinking, this is awful. Try, this is uncomfortable, but I can totally handle it because you can. Number four is set clear intentions. Remind yourself why you’re choosing to experience this discomfort. Connect it to your larger goals and values. It can also be super helpful if you expect to feel the discomfort when you’re thinking about an upcoming event, because then you can prepare for it.

And number five is celebrate small wins. Acknowledge every instance where you’ve successfully tolerated discomfort, no matter how small. So, I’d like to share a personal story that illustrates this process.

When I was learning to stop emotional eating, it was so incredibly uncomfortable. It started with me simply becoming aware that I was standing in front of the pantry and asking myself, Am I actually hungry?

So, when the answer was no, I would dig a little bit deeper. Well, then why am I here? What am I feeling? Did something happen that made me want to eat in response? Now, sometimes I wouldn’t eat. But other times I would. And then other times, I would eat, but I chose to limit the amount or opt for a healthier option.

Every time I woke up from being on autopilot, it became a little bit easier. I could feel the old habit weakening. It’s still uncomfortable for me not to turn to food when I’m stressed or upset. But doing that work makes me incredibly grateful for the past version of me who put in the effort. It also makes me feel capable of doing other uncomfortable things.

Another example is building my online business. As women, we are often socialized to not promote ourselves, or call attention to ourselves and our achievements. So, putting myself out there, promoting my services, and being visible online was initially very uncomfortable. And quite honestly, it still is sometimes.

But I realized that if I didn’t let women know that I can help them, they will never know. You may remain stuck, feeling alone and unsure where to turn, not knowing that there’s actually a solution.

Over the years, through consistent practice of writing emails, taking selfies in public, and recording videos, I’ve become less triggered by my self-promotion. It’s still not always comfortable, but it is manageable, and the discomfort no longer holds me back. It’s just part of the process.

The goal isn’t to eliminate discomfort entirely because that’s not possible, nor is it desirable. There will always be something. But instead, it’s about expanding your capacity to handle the discomfort so that you can pursue your goals and live a fuller life, regardless of temporary unease. Every time you choose to tolerate discomfort for greater purpose, you’re building that muscle and making future challenges easier to face.

So, working with me can play a crucial role in helping to manage your discomfort, especially when it comes to your health and making lasting lifestyle changes. As a coach, my work centers on providing you with the tools and insights that you need to understand your emotional states and prepare for the discomfort that inevitably comes with change. I hold your hand through this process.

One of the most profound aspects of my coaching work involves helping clients plan for change and understand why they sometimes don’t follow through on their plans. We often underestimate the power of discomfort in derailing our best intentions.

So, for instance, a client might say, when I go to the restaurant with my girlfriends, I’m just not going to drink. It sounds simple enough in theory, but when they’re there, surrounded by friends who are drinking, the desire to connect and feel part of the group can feel really super uncomfortable and overwhelming.

The discomfort of feeling left out or different can lead them to abandon their plan, leaving them confused and disappointed in themselves afterwards. And so, this is where coaching becomes super invaluable. If left on her own, my client would just assume that she’s weak, that she’s just not cut out for this. But I help my clients anticipate and prepare for these moments of discomfort.

And so, like a key question that I might ask is, what do you think you’ll feel when everyone else is drinking around you and you’re not? This simple question opens up a world of insight. Most people don’t consider the emotional state that they’ll be in when facing these situations. They expect it to be easy, forgetting about the discomfort that comes with breaking established patterns.

By exploring these potential feelings in advance, we can develop strategies to cope with the discomfort ahead of time. We can also set more realistic expectations, understanding that it’s normal and okay to feel uncomfortable in these situations.

Moreover, coaching with me helps clients to become more compassionate with themselves when they do slip up. Because of course, we will when we’re trying to do something that we’ve never done before.

So, instead of beating themselves up for being weak or lazy, they can understand their behavior through the lens of the motivational triad. Our innate drive to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and do it as efficiently as possible. This perspective helps explain why we sometimes act against our own best interests, choosing short term comfort over long term goals.

Through coaching, you can learn to anticipate discomfort, prepare for it, and navigate through it. You can develop a deeper understanding of your emotional triggers and patterns, which then allows you to make more conscious choices. This process not only helps you to achieve your immediate goals, but it also builds resilience and self-awareness that benefits all areas of your life.

Living on the edge of your comfort zone isn’t about constant intense discomfort. It’s about gently pushing your boundaries, stepping just beyond what feels easy and familiar. So, this space, right at the edge of your comfort zone is where real growth and fulfillment happens.

When we embrace discomfort and expand our comfort zones, we open ourselves up to a wealth of the benefits.

Increased resilience. Each time you face and overcome discomfort, you build emotional strength, making future challenges easier to handle. Greater self-confidence. Pushing past your limits shows what you’re capable of and it boosts your self-esteem. Enhanced creativity. Discomfort often forces us to think outside the box, fostering new skills and creative problem solving.

More opportunities. As you become more comfortable with discomfort, you’re likely to say yes to new experiences and new opportunities. And personal growth. So, stepping out of your comfort zone is essential for learning, skill development, and personal evolution.

Now, here’s a crucial point that we need to address. We are often willing to push past discomfort when there’s a larger discomfort looming on the other side of our decision. Let me share a few examples.

Think about doing your taxes. It’s a completely uncomfortable task that many of us put off, right? However, we eventually do them when the discomfort of potential financial penalties for turning them in late becomes greater than the discomfort of tackling the paperwork and figuring out all the rules.

Or think about saying no to ice cream. If our only potential discomfort is the vague possibility that we might not fit into our jeans at some point in the future, it’s easy to bargain with ourselves. Like thinking, Oh, I’ll make up for it tomorrow. But for someone who’s lactose intolerant, the immediate and certain discomfort of digestive issues outweighs the momentary pleasure of the ice cream.

These examples illustrate an important way that our brains work. We’re more likely to tolerate discomfort when we have a clear understanding of the consequences of our actions. And so, this is why it’s important to connect our short term actions with our long term goals and values.

By consciously choosing to expand your comfort zone and embrace discomfort, you’re not just avoiding larger discomforts down the line. You’re actively creating a richer, more fulfilling life. You’re saying, yes to new experiences, deeper relationships, and personal growth. You’re becoming more resilient, more confident, and more capable of handling whatever life throws your way.

Be mindful of the fact that life lived entirely within your comfort zone might feel safe, but it’s also limited. True fulfillment often lies just on the other side of discomfort. And by learning to lean into that discomfort, you open yourself up to a world of possibilities and a life lived to its fullest potential.

Let’s get practical and put this knowledge to work in your life. I want to encourage you to start identifying areas where a little bit of discomfort could lead to significant growth or positive change. These could be in your health journey, your relationships, your career, or any aspect of your life where you feel stuck, resentful, or unfulfilled.

So, start by asking yourself, where am I avoiding discomfort at the cost of my long term goals or happiness? Maybe it’s putting off that conversation with your partner, avoiding the gym, or not speaking up in team meetings at work. These are potential gold mines for growth.

Once you’ve identified these areas, here’s a powerful question to ask yourself. “What emotion will I need to tolerate to make this change?” This question can be eye opening. It prepares you mentally and emotionally for the challenge ahead.

If you’re planning to start a new exercise routine, you might need to tolerate feelings of discomfort, self-doubt, or frustration. Naming these emotions in advance makes them less overwhelming when they do arise.

And what I find is that when we actually do the thing, the anticipated feeling is so much worse than the actual experience. Like, how many times have you said, well, that wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. After you’ve done something challenging.

Now, on the other side of making a decision, when you find your inner critic showing up for indulging in that unplanned cookie or that glass of wine. Ask yourself, “what could I have been feeling in order to make that choice?”

This question shifts you from self-judgment to curiosity. Maybe you were feeling stressed, lonely, or you were seeking comfort. Understanding the emotional driver behind your actions allows you to approach similar situations with more awareness in the future. The goal isn’t to eliminate discomfort. Because that’s not possible and there’s always going to be the next uncomfortable thing. And neither is it desirable.

Instead, it’s about building your capacity to tolerate discomfort in service of your larger goals and values. And by doing so, you’re not just changing your habits, you’re expanding your ability to live a richer, more fulfilling life.

Start small, be patient with yourself, and celebrate every time you choose beneficial discomfort over easy comfort. You’re building a skill that will serve you well in all areas of your life.

As I wrap up this exploration of discomfort, I want to take a moment and reflect on what we’ve covered. We’ve seen how avoiding discomfort can actually limit our lives. While embracing it can lead to growth, opportunity, and a richer experience of life.

Keep in mind that discomfort isn’t the enemy. It’s often a marker pointing towards opportunity and what we really want. We’ve learned that tolerating discomfort is a skill that we can develop, just like building a muscle. Each time you choose to sit with an uncomfortable feeling rather than immediately seeking relief, you are strengthening your ability to handle future challenges.

This skill is invaluable in all areas of life. From health and relationships to career and personal growth. The key is to start recognizing those moments of discomfort as opportunities rather than obstacles.

Ask yourself, “what emotion will I need to tolerate to achieve my goal?” This simple question can prepare you for the journey ahead and make the discomfort feel so much more manageable.

I want to encourage you to embrace discomfort in small ways each day. Push yourself a little further in your workout. Have that challenging conversation that you’ve been avoiding. Or try something new that scares you just a little bit.

Remember, on the other side of that discomfort is often where the magic happens, where you find growth, achievement, and a sense of pride in yourself. If you’re finding it challenging to navigate this journey alone, know that support is available.

As a coach, I specialize in helping women just like you. Use discomfort as a tool to get what it is that you want. If you’re ready to take the next step in your health and wellness journey, I want to invite you to explore how coaching with me can help you get the results that you desire. I can help you turn discomfort into your superpower. Helping you to create the healthy, fulfilling life that you deserve.

Thank you for joining me today. Until next time. Remember, a little discomfort today can lead to a lot of joy tomorrow. Have an amazing day, everyone. I’ll talk to you next time. Bye-bye.

Thank you for tuning in today. Now, if you enjoy the podcast and are ready to take the next step in addressing your health concerns, I would love to invite you to schedule an I Know What To Do, I’m Just Not Doing It strategy call.

In this 60 minute session, we will explore what’s holding you back and create a personalized action plan. You will gain clarity, support, and practical steps to move you forward. Visit elizabethsherman.com/call to book your call now. You can transform your health and I would love to be there to help.