Total Health in Midlife Episode #224: When We Ignore Our Own Boundaries

Welcome to Total Health and Midlife, the podcast for women embracing the pivotal transformation from the daily grind to the dawn of a new chapter. I’m Elizabeth, your host and fellow traveler on this journey.

As a Life and Health Coach, I am intimately familiar with the changes and challenges we face during this stage. Shifting careers, changing relationships, our new bodies, and redefining goals and needs as we start to look to the future and ask, what do I want?

In this podcast, we’ll explore physical, mental, and emotional wellness, offering insights and strategies to achieve optimal health through these transformative years.

Yes, it’s totally possible.

Join me in this amazing journey of body, mind, and spirit, where we’re not just improving our health, but transforming our entire lives.

Have you ever noticed how you can be completely on it in one area of your life? Like you’ve got your eating habits down, you’re moving your body regularly, but then in another area you just completely bulldoze over your own rules. You know, you feel better when you go to bed at a decent hour, but then you stay up watching one more episode. Or you swear off that you won’t check your phone in the morning, but the first thing you do is open Instagram, like what is going on? Or you finally, set a boundary with someone, and then the next day you find yourself saying, yes to the thing you swore you would say no to.

Why do we do this? Because it’s not about willpower, and it’s not about being disciplined enough. It’s about something deeper. And if you don’t understand what’s actually going on, you are going to keep overriding your own boundaries no matter how many times you swear you won’t. So, today, we are diving into the real reason that you break your own rules and what it actually takes to start honoring the boundaries that you put in place. Because this isn’t just about social media or food or exercise, it’s about trust. And if you want to change that, keep listening.

Hey everyone, welcome back to the Total Health and Midlife Podcast. I am your host, Elizabeth Sherman. And today, I want to talk about something that I know I should be better at, but somehow I keep tripping over my own feet. And if I had to guess, I’m going to suspect that sometimes you do too. So, let’s talk about what happens when you set a boundary for yourself, not with other people, and then you completely ignore it.

I’m not talking about when someone else crosses a line. I mean, when you do it to yourself, when you make a rule. A promise, a commitment because you know it’s good for you. And then, for reasons that seem totally logical in the moment, you go ahead and do the exact thing that you swore you wouldn’t. Like me and my phone.

So, I have set up application limits on my phone at night and in the morning because I know that it’s better for me. I know that scrolling through social media before bed messes with my sleep. It makes my brain feel like a hamster on caffeine. And it leaves me waking up feeling groggy and it just does not lead to a good night’s sleep.

And then, in the mornings, I want to start my day with something grounding. I usually drink some water. I usually do some journaling and stretching, but sometimes I dive straight into the noise of everyone else’s lives instead, social media. So, I set the limits and I turned off notifications, but then I hit ignore limit for today. Just like that.

And every single time, there’s this little voice in the back of my head saying, you know that you really shouldn’t do this. And yet, I’m like, yeah, but I’m gonna. I don’t break this boundary because I lack discipline. I break it because in the moment, I’ve convinced myself that somehow, I deserve it; I don’t know. Or that it’s not that big of a deal, or that this is a good one.

I just need a minute to check one thing, but the truth is that I’m not honoring my own decisions. I’m telling myself that what I said that I wanted, doesn’t matter. That present me knows better than the version of me that set the rule up. And when we do this enough times, whether it’s with food, with movement, with sleep, with work, with anything else, it starts to erode our trust in ourselves.

So, let’s start off with why do we do this? Why do we sabotage the very things that we say that we want? And if we really do want to change, where do we start? That’s what we’re going to get into today. So, we like to tell ourselves that breaking our own boundaries is like some willpower issue. That if we just had more discipline, more willpower, more self-control, that we would follow through on the things that we say that we want, that we should do.

But that’s not actually what’s happening here. If it were just about willpower, we wouldn’t keep doing the things that we know make us feel worse. And they say that willpower is the strongest in the morning. And so therefore, in the morning, I shouldn’t be going through and getting into my social media at that point, right?

We wouldn’t override the app limits and stay up too late. We wouldn’t skip meals or doom scroll or snack when we’re not hungry. We wouldn’t keep breaking promises to ourselves, feeling that twinge of regret and then doing it all over again the next day. So, if it’s not about discipline, then what is it about?

A big part of it comes down to the difference between false pleasure and true pleasure. False pleasure is easy. It’s instant. It gives you a quick hit of dopamine, but it doesn’t actually satisfy you. It’s social media, mindless snacking, online shopping, or saying yes to one more work request when you know that you should be done for the day. It’s the thing that you do because you don’t feel like you have time or energy for something real.

True pleasure, on the other hand, takes intention. It requires space. It’s a deep conversation with a friend, a slow, delicious meal. It’s sitting outside with your coffee, just breathing, being with yourself. It’s moving your body in a way that feels good instead of like a chore. Now, true pleasure actually fills you up instead of just distracting you for a moment.

And so, the problem is when we don’t create a space for true pleasure, we actually start to steal pleasure. And I see this pattern in myself all the time. Now, that I’ve started looking for it. The more I buy into the idea that my worth is tied to my productivity. That I have to earn rest, that I don’t have time for slow mornings, for real breaks during the day, or anything else that doesn’t have a clear outcome.

The more disconnected I feel from myself. And when I’m disconnected, that’s when I reach for the quick fix, the false pleasure. I pick up my phone instead of sitting with my thoughts and feelings. I scroll instead of stretching. I snack instead of actually asking myself, what it is that I need. I fill every little gap in my day with something that feels like productivity, but really just leaves me feeling worse.

And it’s not just me. We all do this in different ways. Maybe you skip the workouts that you know, make you feel good because you convince yourself that there’s not enough time. Or that you just have a few more things to get done on your to-do list. Maybe you stay up late watching TV, even though you want to wake up feeling refreshed. Maybe you grab a handful of crackers even though you’re not really hungry, you’re just feeling restless.

It’s not about self-control. It’s a disconnection problem. A disconnection from yourself and from others. Because if we were really truly connected to ourselves, if we really felt like we deserved rest, joy, and nourishment, we wouldn’t need to steal these little scraps of false pleasure. We’d actually give ourselves what it is that we need.

So, my client, Emma, came to me because she was overeating at night. She was able to see the pattern that there were days when she was connected with her sister. That she didn’t feel the need for her nightly indulgence. And we worked through all of that. But then, after a while in our coaching, there was this two week period where she was finding herself standing in the kitchen, cutting off ‘ just one more,’ I’m putting that in air quotes. Just one more sliver of cake.

And so, it started small. There had been a few birthdays in her house, and so there was cake everywhere. And she really enjoyed it. Like these were things that she really loved. But then, she realized that it was a problem because she kept going back. Like a bite here, another bite there. And she realized that she was like sneaking it. So, she realized that she wasn’t really hungry, and that she wasn’t even really tasting or craving the cake. But she couldn’t really seem to stop.

And so, when we dug deeper, it became obvious that the cake wasn’t really about the cake, but it was about pleasure or more accurately stolen pleasure. Like what she was doing in the kitchen was like eating the cake in a way that she didn’t feel like she was entitled to it.

Because when we talked about our week, it was really clear that Emma wasn’t giving herself any moments of real enjoyment. Between work, parenting, and taking care of everyone else, she was completely running on empty. She felt guilty for taking time out for herself. She never really sat down with a book, never really went out for a walk just because never allowed herself a slow morning or a deep breath because she had so many obligations and things on her plate.

And so, the cake, it wasn’t just about the sugar, it was pretty much like the only thing she felt like that was hers. And when we don’t give ourselves real pleasure like her, we steal it. We find little ways to sneak it in. We do it through scrolling, through snacking, through procrastinating, through staying up late. Not because we don’t know any better, but because some part of us feels deprived and we deserve it.

So, instead of making the cake, the enemy, what we did was we focused on what she was actually missing. Not in a ‘let’s find you a healthier alternative’ kind of way, but in a, ‘what would it look like if you gave yourself permission to enjoy and like completely be immersed in the pleasure of the cake?’

And as she started allowing herself to have more joy in her life and in just recognizing the cake, not just rewarding herself after a long day, but truly making space for things that she loved. The urgency around the cake faded.

She still ate the cake when she wanted it. But I wanted to make sure that she actually enjoyed it, that she didn’t feel guilty for it. That she could have a slice and feel the pleasure from eating the cake and not feel guilty from it. Feel satisfied and move on.

So, now, I’m going to ask you. What’s your version of cake? What’s the one thing you keep doing, even though you know, it’s not actually making you feel good? What is the thing that you reach for when you’re running on empty? Because maybe the problem isn’t the habit. Maybe the problem is what’s missing?

If this has been resonating with you and you’re recognizing yourself in these stories, whether it’s with your phone, with food, sleep, or something else entirely. I want you to pause for a second and ask yourself. Where are you breaking down your own boundaries? And not just the surface level ones, not just the I stayed up too late or I said I wouldn’t have another cookie kind of boundary. But I mean like the deeper ones.

Where in your life are you saying that you want something? You want more energy, you more ease, more peace. And then, you’re turning around and doing the exact thing that makes it harder to get that result. Where is that? And why are you doing it?

Because this isn’t about willpower. It’s not about needing to be stricter with yourself, because if that worked, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. It’s about understanding why you keep overriding your decision. Because I guarantee the reason that you break your own boundaries is the same reason that I do.

That somewhere along the way, we’ve learned that we have to earn things like rest and pleasure. That we don’t have time for them, that they’re an extra, right? Something that we can only have after everything else is done. And so, when we don’t intentionally build them in, we find little ways to steal them. We scroll, we snack, we binge another episode.

We say, ‘oh, just five more minutes’ to the thing that we know is making us feel worse. Not because we’re weak and not because we don’t know better, but because in that moment it feels like the only option.

So, what would happen if we stopped trying to force ourselves to follow rules and instead started asking the better question of what’s really going on underneath this? If you find yourself numbing out with your phone, what are you avoiding? If you keep eating past the point of satisfaction, what are you truly hungry for? And if you tell yourself that you don’t have time for a break, what part of you believes that you don’t deserve one?

Because if we could answer that question, the real question. We wouldn’t have to steal these little moments of false pleasure. We’d actually give ourselves what we need. And what would that look like for you? Not in a ‘what’s the perfect solution’ kind of way. But in a ‘what’s one small way that you could show up for yourself differently’ kind of way?

Maybe it’s choosing to honor your bedtime, not as a rule, but as an act of kindness to yourself. Maybe it’s letting yourself sit and enjoy your morning coffee instead of rushing through it or using that time to do something else, multitask. Maybe it’s setting your phone down before you hit the override button just once to see how it feels. Because this isn’t about perfection. It’s about learning to get to know yourself and in that process, building trust with yourself.

And every time you honor your own decisions, you’re building that trust. You’re showing yourself that your needs matter, that your boundaries are worth keeping. And that you deserve real pleasure, not just stolen scraps of it. So, what would it look like to honor your own boundaries? Not as a restriction, but as an act of self-respect.

Because you don’t need more discipline. You don’t need a tighter grip on your boundaries. What you need is more connection to yourself. Because here’s the thing, women are constantly taught that pleasure in whatever form is something that we should be suspicious of. That too much enjoyment is indulgent.

Rest is lazy. And that satisfaction, whether it’s with food, our bodies, or just being is something that we have to earn. And that’s a bunch of BS. This is why you override your own boundaries, not because you’re weak, but because the rules that you’ve set for yourself are too strict. Because the way that you’re supposed to show up in your life leaves no room for pleasure, for ease, or for the things that make you feel human.

So, of course, you rebel. Of course, you reach for the phone, or that extra bite, or that late night scrolling. Not because you don’t know better, but because some part of you is starving for something real.

Now, if today’s episode resonated with you, I want to invite you to sit with it. Notice where this pattern shows up in your life. And if you want to share your thoughts, I would love to hear them. Because you deserve intentional pleasure, not just stolen moments of it.

That’s all I have for you today. Have an amazing day. And I will talk to you next week. Bye-bye.

Hey, so if you’ve been nodding along and thinking, okay, I know what to do, Elizabeth, I’m just not doing it. I have got something for you. It’s my free podcast listener’s guide. It’s a curated roadmap to help you get started with the most helpful episodes based on exactly what you need right now. Go to elizabethsherman.com/roadmap and take the guesswork out of where to begin with the Total Health and Midlife podcast.