237 – Midlife, Martyrdom, and Me

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Elizabeth: What if I told you that the way that you treat leftovers in your fridge might be telling you something about how you see yourself? Now, I know that sounds ridiculous, but six months ago I found myself furious over a container of roasted zucchini And what started as a tiny silent resentment turned into a full blown reckoning with the way that I’ve been settling for good enough my entire life.

Now, this episode is about food, but it’s not about food. It’s about what we think we deserve. And how we as women are trained to take the smaller portion, clean up the mess, and keep things running quietly without complaint. Now, if you’ve ever eaten something just because no one else was gonna to eat it and it was gonna go bad, [00:01:00] if you’ve ever told yourself it’s fine.

When it really wasn’t. Or if you’ve ever felt like you always get the scraps literally or otherwise, you need to hear this because I’m breaking down the belief that keeps us stuck. And once you see it, you won’t be able to unsee it, and that’s when everything starts to shift.

Welcome to the Total Health and Midlife Podcast, the podcast for women over 40 who want peace with food, ease in their habits, and a body that they don’t have to fight with.

Hey everyone. Welcome to the Total Health and Midlife Podcast.

I am your host, Elizabeth Sherman, and thank you so much for tuning in today. Now I wanna start this episode off by telling you the truth. I actually wrote this episode six months ago. I had the outline, the idea, the story, I even knew what I wanted to [00:02:00] say, but. I could not bring myself to record it. It felt too big, too vulnerable.

Like I was about to say something that I shouldn’t say out loud because the story that I’m about to tell you, it’s not dramatic. No one raised their voice. There was no fight, no big blow up, but it felt so vulnerable. So here’s what happened in general. This was an ongoing pattern between myself and my husband.

He doesn’t know this. Each week after dinner, we would pack up the leftovers into Tupperware. We cooked with the purpose that he would eat the leftovers for lunch the next day. Now, some weeks he would, but other weeks I’d watch him open the fridge, stand there for a little bit, and then pull out something fresh [00:03:00] bread.

Mustard, maybe some deli meat, or he’d grab his phone and order something and every single day, those leftovers just sat there. Getting older and older and older. The ones that he said that he would eat, the ones that he said he wanted, the chicken and the roasted vegetables, the ones I didn’t throw out because he told me, no, I’ll go ahead and eat those for lunch.

Now. At first I didn’t think much of it, but by day three. I was starting to really boil inside, not out loud, of course, because that’s how we as women operate, right? But in my head, I was spinning and I was having this full on debate. Does he not see them? Do I need to say something? Am I really getting this worked up over a [00:04:00] container of roasted broccoli?

And the answer was apparently yes, I was. I was getting worked up because I didn’t wanna be the one to eat them. I really Didn’t wanna be the one who felt responsible for making sure that they didn’t go to waste. I didn’t wanna be the one to settle again, and yet I also felt like I didn’t have a choice if I didn’t eat them.

Then they’d go bad, and that would feel wasteful. And it wasn’t like he was being mean or doing anything wrong, he was just choosing what he wanted. And that right there just cracked me open because underneath the frustration was something that was so much more tender. The question I didn’t wanna ask myself, why don’t I let myself choose?

What I [00:05:00] want. Why don’t I let myself have something better than the old stuff? Why do I keep defaulting to the scraps? The older vegetables, the last few bites that no one wants. That moment in the kitchen, really the week in the kitchen became this mirror that I didn’t really wanna look in because I realized that this was not about my partner.

This was all about me and the quiet inherited beliefs that I didn’t even realize that I was still carrying.

I didn’t have the language for it at the time, but what I started to notice standing there in front of the fridge, trying to decide between eating something that I didn’t want or throwing it away and feeling guilty wasn’t that I always get the [00:06:00] scraps, but instead it was that I don’t let myself have.

What I actually want, and not when it comes to just food, but rather across the board. I see it in other areas of my life. Like I will eat the meal that’s already made, even if I want something else or it’s not really that good, and I’ll hold back on making plans to see what other people are doing because.

I don’t wanna inconvenience them. And what’s wild is I didn’t even notice that I was doing it. It wasn’t a dramatic conscious sacrifice. It was just this quiet pattern of choosing what’s available or what’s expected over what I really wanted.

Because somewhere along the way I picked up this belief that wanting more. That a woman wanting [00:07:00] anything more than she was given more ease, more joy, more flavor, more rest was. Somehow unavailable, selfish, maybe even wasteful, and I see this in so many of my clients too, they don’t order what they want at a restaurant because it’s more expensive.

They eat the leftover so that they won’t go to waste, even if they’re not really good. They downplay their preferences like they’re asking for too much. They don’t ask for where I wanna go for dinner. And it’s not about greed, it’s about giving ourselves permission. Somewhere along the way, we stopped giving ourselves that, and that’s what this moment exposed for me.

Not that I’m always stuck with what’s left, although that might be true, but that I didn’t believe that I was allowed to want [00:08:00] what I wanted.

Because here’s the thing, I grew up watching women make do, right, make do with the budget, make do with what’s in the fridge, make do with their own needs until everyone else’s were handled.

And as women, we are often praised for that. For our thrift, for our selflessness, for our ability to not let things go to waste. As if making ourselves smaller, both literally and figuratively is a virtue. But there’s a cost to all that. Making do.

It adds up in our bodies and in our resentment in that tired voice in our head that says, you should be grateful. While another part of us is quietly asking, but when is it going to be my [00:09:00] turn? What I realized in that kitchen wasn’t that. Gary had done anything wrong. It was that I’d been so conditioned not to choose what I wanted.

I didn’t even recognize that I had a choice. I had outsourced my desires. I had been waiting for someone to give me permission to want the fresh food. And it made me wonder how many times had I eaten something that I didn’t really want, just to avoid feeling wasteful. How many times had I taken the smaller portion because I thought that’s what made me good or what I was supposed to do?

And what would it mean to let that story go? To believe that I could be responsible and well fed? That I could honor my values without always being the one who [00:10:00] settles, that I could be generous without being a martyr. This moment with the leftovers exposed a pattern that I had never really questioned before, and once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it.

And more importantly, I didn’t wanna keep living it. I remember one night, just feeling ridiculous, like, why was I making this a thing? They were just leftovers, just vegetables, just food that I didn’t want, and yet. The swirl of feelings in my chest said otherwise.

I felt frustrated, dismissed, invisible, and then immediately ashamed for feeling that way, like I was being dramatic, petty, and ungrateful. I could hear that voice in my head, the one I know so many clients have too. You know better. You teach other women how to handle stuff like this.

[00:11:00] What is wrong with you? And that’s the real root of shame, isn’t it? Not just that we feel resentful or unseen, but we think that we shouldn’t, that if we were more evolved, more healed, more enlightened, we wouldn’t be bothered by this stuff anymore. But here’s what I’ve come to learn, both through coaching myself and working with my clients.

Shame thrives in silence. That’s what Brene Brown says. And it’s absolutely true when we keep it bottled up. When we believe that our private, embarrassing little hangups are evidence that we are failing, it just grows. But when we talk about it. Name it and pull it into the light. It starts to shrink. And what I’ve realized over time is this personal growth isn’t a ladder that you [00:12:00] climb.

There’s no finish line. There’s no final level where you unlock the secret and suddenly float above your old thoughts like some kind of food choice Buddha. It’s layered. It spirals and it’s running into the same pattern over and over and over again, but this time with a little bit more awareness and a little bit more self-compassion too.

This wasn’t the first time that I found myself bumping into a belief about being the one who makes due. And I’m sure it won’t be the last either, but I don’t make that mean that I’m broken anymore. I make it mean that I’m paying attention and that these thoughts that we have, these stories that we grow up with are multilayered.

Because we can’t change what we don’t look at, and if we don’t name it, we can’t free ourselves from it either. So I wanna be [00:13:00] really clear about something, and that is that this is not about my partner. He did nothing wrong. He wasn’t trying to hurt my feelings or make more work for me. He was just hungry and he wanted what he wanted.

He was moving throughout his day, and in hindsight, I can honestly say that this moment became a gift because it helped me see something that I hadn’t seen before. It’s not about him, but it’s all about me, about the rules that I had been silently living by. See, it’s easy to look at our partners, our kids, our coworkers, and think that they are the ones, and that they are The reason that we feel the way that we do that if they just picked up after themselves, picked up their socks, or cleaned out the fridge or ate the damn leftovers, that we would feel better.

But [00:14:00] that’s not where our power is. Our power comes from noticing the stories that we tell ourselves in those moments. Stories like it’s my job to keep things from going to waste, or I don’t get to want something else if there’s still something good enough in the fridge. Or if I don’t do it, no one else will.

It would’ve been easy to stay mad at Gary to huff around the kitchen and silently eat the leftovers while building a case in my head about why he’s terrible and I’m so virtuous. But when I paused and got curious, when I asked why this bothered me so much, I realized the discomfort wasn’t about him at all.

It was about the belief that I had to settle. That’s the work, not blaming the other person, but turning [00:15:00] inward and asking, what’s the belief here? Do I wanna keep it? Because once we do that, we are not stuck anymore. We get to choose something different. Here’s the part I really wanna dig into, because this is where it gets useful, where it shifts from.

Here’s what happened to me, to, here’s what you can do with this. Because once I saw this belief, "I always get the scraps," I started noticing how often I was acting it out without even thinking, not just in the kitchen. It showed up when I wore the bra. That didn’t quite fit because it was quote unquote, still good, right?

Even though it dug into my sides and was really freaking uncomfortable. When I skipped the good bath salts and lit the almost gone candle instead, when I automatically said yes to dinner [00:16:00] plans I didn’t wanna go to because I didn’t wanna be difficult. And every time I told myself it was no big deal, I told myself I was being easygoing, frugal, accommodating.

But when I really looked at it, I realized I was playing a role. This role of the sacrificer. The martyr, the one who makes it work, the one who eats the soft carrots that no one else has to. And I want you to start watching for this in your own life too.

Not to judge yourself, not to feel bad, but to get curious. When you find yourself taking the smaller portion, saying yes, when you mean to say no or eating something that you don’t want, just because it’s quote unquote still good, I want you to pause and ask, what am I telling myself about my worth when I do this?

Am I [00:17:00] saying that this is what a good woman does? Am I saying my preferences don’t matter? Am I saying it’s selfish to want more? Because here’s the truth. A lot of us were raised in systems, families, churches, and cultures that taught us that virtue. Looks a lot like self-denial. That thrift and sacrifice and putting others first makes us better somehow.

And look, being thoughtful and responsible and generous, those aren’t bad things, but when we only know how to show up that way, when we don’t even consider what we want, that’s when it becomes a problem. That’s when resentment creeps in. That’s when our health takes a back seat. That’s when we know what to do, but we don’t do it because we’ve been [00:18:00] trained to ignore our own voice.

So how do we shift it? Well, first we start small. Let yourself eat the part of the dinner that you actually want light the new candle just because it makes you happy. Say no thank you to things that you always say yes to. Just out of obligation. Try this. Reframe instead of I’m being wasteful. Try, I’m honoring my preferences instead of I should eat this.

Try what would feel good to me right now instead of I’m being selfish. Try. I’m practicing self-respect. You don’t have to swing all the way to the other extreme, but you do have permission to consider yourself not just when everything else is done, not just if it’s free or [00:19:00] leftover, but always. I wanna be really clear here.

This isn’t about blaming yourself. This isn’t about calling yourself out every time you ate a heel of bread or wore the stretched out leggings or skipped lunch because everyone else needed something first. This is about grace and self-awareness and the space between those two things where real change starts to happen.

Because once I noticed this pattern in myself, I didn’t suddenly start tossing leftovers without a second thought or choosing the newest item in the fridge like a queen in a grocery store commercial. What changed was this, I started pausing just long enough to ask myself, do I even want this?

That one question became my anchor. Do I actually want to eat this or. Am I feeling obligated to? [00:20:00] Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I don’t want to rock the boat? Would I be okay throwing this away, or am I trying to earn some invisible badge of honor thrift martyrdom? That pause gave me options.

Yeah, not always easy ones, but at least new ones. Sometimes I still eat the leftovers. I honestly really love leftovers, but now I do it because I’ve chosen to, not because I think it’s the only option I have. And honestly, that one shift, choosing instead of defaulting has made me feel more peaceful, more grounded, and way less resentful.

Because this is the sneaky part of settling. It doesn’t feel like a big deal in the moment, but the weight of all those [00:21:00] tiny, it’s fine. I’ll take it. Decisions add up. So if this is resonating, if you are starting to see yourself in these stories, I want to offer this. You don’t have to overhaul your life.

You don’t even have to throw out half of your fridge. Just start noticing. Start asking yourself the questions. Start giving yourself the option to choose. That’s where freedom begins. So if you’ve been listening to this and thinking, okay, wow. I do this too. I’m doing all the things, but I’m still stuck.

I’ve got something that might help. I put together a free resource. It’s called the Eight Basic Habits That Healthy People Do. And here’s the thing, it’s not another set of rules or anything like that. It’s just a checklist It’s not a new diet or a new routine. It’s a tool to help you see what’s actually getting in your way.

Because most of the [00:22:00] time it’s not that we don’t know what to do, it’s that our thoughts, these quiet little inherited beliefs, like I should finish what’s on my plate or I don’t deserve it are running the show Behind the scenes, this guide will help you to connect those dots between what you want, what you’re doing, and what you think you should be doing.

So if you are ready to stop settling at the table in your habits, in your life, go grab the guide. You can download it at elizabethsherman.com/habits. That link will also be in the show notes. It’s simple, free, and honestly, it is a really good first step. Now, if this resonated with you, I just wanna say, you are not alone.

We don’t talk about this stuff enough. The quiet way that we learn to settle, the way that we trade our preferences for peace, the guilt that we carry for simply [00:23:00] wanting more than the scraps . But that’s why I do this podcast because your health is not just about what you eat or how much you move, it’s about the beliefs driving those choices.

It’s about the way you value yourself in everyday ordinary moments. So if you found yourself nodding along today, I’d love for you to share this episode with a friend who might need to hear it too. We are stronger when we name these things together. And if you wanna keep exploring how your thoughts might be showing up in your habits, your health, your relationship with food or anything else, go grab that guide and checklist that I mentioned, elizabeth sherman.com/habits, and you’ll find the link in the show notes as well

alright, that’s all I have for you today. Have an amazing week and I will talk to you next time. Bye-bye.

[00:24:00] Thank you for joining us on today’s episode. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by all the health advice out there and looking for something that’s straightforward, my eight basic habits that healthy people do, guide and checklist is just what you need. It breaks down essential habits into simple, actionable steps that you already know how to do.

By following these habits, you’ll set yourself on a path to better health, surpassing most people that you know. To get your free copy, just click the link in the show notes or go to elizabeth sherman.com/habits. It’s an easy start, but it could make all the difference in your health journey. Grab your guide today and take the first step towards a healthier you.